A friend of mine writes the blog Sexual Candor. His recent post, “Why I came out to my parents as bisexual as a married adult” touched me, especially after all the talk about bisexuality that’s been happening here at Pegging Paradise.
The frank and open telling of his story got me thinking about the days before Ruby Ryder. The days of sexually incompatible husbands (yes, there were two) and my very real unease with my sexual desires. I had labeled those desires bad and different and too weird and then placed them soundly in the suppress category. Many of us know how well that works. Witness the maxim; ‘What you resist persists’. Indeed it does.
How many years did I hide my true sexuality? Even if the answer to that question was just a single year, that’s still too long to spend not being myself, tamping down my urges and fantasies until they threatened to overtake me.
Sadly, the length of time was in the decades department. Three, to be precise.
During that time, an interesting thing happened. As I loosened the reins inside me a bit over time out of sheer frustration, those desires I’d labeled as ‘bad’ filled up my self-pleasuring fantasies rather completely. As I grew older, I grew more and more unhappy with those unfulfilled sexual desires; more unhappy that my insides did not match my outsides. When I turned 50 I realized, if not now, when?
That was my personal turning point. That was when I took that leap into the unknown; into the honest expression of my fascination with asses in general and pegging specifically.
As I began to explore my desires, much to my amazement I found that there were many men out there who were very interested in exactly what I was fantasizing about. Who knew?! And that’s the point. Before I let my sexual needs out into the light, there were certainly no men who were offering to meet those needs because no one knew I had them!
Somewhere in those decades the internet began to be a great place to search for people with similar sexual preferences to my own. I just hadn’t turned that corner yet and decided I was actually going to ask for what I wanted in bed…or on the kitchen table…or the living room floor. When my turning point arrived there were dating/hookup websites where sexual preferences were front and center. Nice.
As I stepped into owning and expressing my desires and needs, I felt exposed in a couple of ways. Certainly being open about my desires felt quite exposing and vulnerable. I pretended to be confident in a fake it until you make it way. Because let’s face it, what man wants a woman who is admittedly inexperienced and feeling very unsure of herself to fuck his ass ? Basically you want to know that the woman behind the dildo knows exactly what she is doing with such a vulnerable area of your body. Am I right, guys? But I digress.
The other way I felt exposed was discovering the incredibly wide variety of things that turn people on. The sheer variety of what I was exposed to overwhelmed me. Some pictures and conversations I just couldn’t even look at or think about – it was too weird, different and maybe even bad.
Wait a minute…those were the labels I’d put on my own kinks for the better part of 3 decades! I resolved not to put them on others, even in my own head. Over time I became quite accepting of basically whatever turns people on as long as it’s consensual and doesn’t cause permanent injury (which with some kinks is a real concern).
Five years later, here I am writing and teaching abut pegging, reveling in my love of the male ass instead of feeling ashamed about it. I feel more comfortable about myself sexually than I ever have…ever.
So like my friend Sexual Candor, I urge you to consider embracing any hidden parts of your sexuality. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your desires. Is there risk involved? Certainly. Some of the best things in life have the most risk. But think of the alternative. Looking back three decades with regret is not something I would recommend…