Right now, I feel like a guy.
Or at least what I think a guy feels like. That unsatisfied longing of wanting to fuck someone and not being able to. That tightness in my loins (yes, women have loins, too). It is a pleasant ache...a reminder of what I want but I cannot have. I smile as I think of him.
Had lunch with Mr. Great Kisser today. We still have a nice friendship connection (after the 4 hot months we spent together) and enjoyed talking, catching up and sharing openly about sex and kink - not something you can do with just anyone (like the checker at the bank). Conversational topics included whipping, upcoming play parties, toys we'd purchased and loved, and toys I needed to test. We shared good food, a couple of beers and the beauty of an outdoor, oceanfront restaurant. After a lot of easy and sometimes sexy conversation we both had to visit the restrooms and let some of the beer out.
"So what now?" I said when we found each other again. In my mind we could stay and have another beer and keep talking, or...
"Well, that's up to you....I don't have to be anywhere." He shrugged and smiled.
"No, it's not up to me," I punched him lightly in the chest for emphasis "or I would just take you home and fuck you."
"Well, you're right...I'm surprised it took you this long to ask!" This man knows I want him still...I have made it quite clear in recent conversations that he has a free pass to ask for my company any time. I may not be available but he is always welcome to ask.
Last night I was scheming a bit and thought maybe, just maybe, it will have been long enough since the last time that he got fucked that if I get him just a bit tipsy he might go home with me because he's seriously craving a good fucking. Does that sound like a guy or what!?
More like a woman, though, I wondered what to wear. If I go straight for the too-sexy it might put him off. Better to be fairly casual and just be sure to look good. He complimented me when we first got there...said I had a "glow". Which is kind of funny - I usually associate that word with well-fucked. And well-fucked is not a descriptor of my life lately.
So back to that moment when he expressed surprise that it had taken me so long to say I wanted to fuck him...
"I'm afraid I will have to decline that offer....I'm just not in the right space for it." He said it kindly and with a smile.
There was really no awkwardness...I was pretty much expecting it. But what surprised me was the wanting-ness that refused to go away. The hunger for him. The staring at his pecs, his powerful thighs...his lips that joined mine many moons ago for that kiss that was an absolute 10. Remembering his moans when I fucked him. Looking at him in front of me and objectifying him in the best way possible. That is how I imagine men feel when they are really craving a woman who they want to fuck, or a man for that matter.
Our goodbye was brief, kiss on my cheek and the kind of hug you give someone when you know the person hugging you wants to fuck you...badly...and you don't want to fan that flame.
Driving home I was struck with just how much the role reversal concept applied. I was the man in this situation...wanting more than anything in that moment to take him home and fuck him sweetly until he came. That's what I kept imagining...not him fucking me. And I have to say, Mr. Great Kisser has some serious skills when it comes to fucking a woman. But all I could think about was sinking my toy into his ass and hearing him moan.
I feel like I was given a glimpse of how men who want me but the chemistry is not there on my side - how they feel when they are around me. Or maybe how it feels to just be a man, period...that intense wanting, the sexual drive that never goes away.
I don't know. I just know that I was smiling everywhere I went after we parted. I'm sure that it feels good to be him and to feel wanted, lusted after; most men love that. But it also feels good to be the woman who lusts after and craves.
And that tightness I'm feeling will no doubt add to the pleasure I give myself tonight, imagining I am indeed fucking Mr. Great Kisser and hearing him moan.