Jul 21 2015

She Says No Thanks

Hi Ruby, I too was recently bombarded with this type of fetish and I would like to point out a few things I’ve noticed on my husband’s quest to “convince” me to try this.
First of all, “convincing” and “pressuring” sound an awful lot a like. Choosing better terminology would be appropriate I think.
Also, I do not think referring or promoting reddit as a reliable source is such a great idea. That was the first site he directed me to, and it consists of about 50% men who are wanting/already engaging in “pegging” and about 50% men who have been indulged in such play and are now “curious”. Many many stories of men who are now ready for the “real thing”. Not very helpful material for already apprehensive women IMO. And your own opinions seem to differ on reddit from what you write here, you are very supportive of married men exploring their “curiosity” with other men, whereas here you are VERY adamant that strap-on sex does not eventually lead to wanting other men.
All of this combined with the fact that you cannot even seem to get even a handful of women on your own site to discuss how great it is, I will have to assume this type of fetish is great for men (and a small percentage of women) while being tolerated at best for the majority of women.

 

Hello Linda,

Undoubtedly, you are not the only woman out there who is not thrilled about the idea of pegging, so I am going to post this on my blog as well as respond in the comments here.

You sound angry. I'm sorry that you are at a crossroads that sounds not at all comfortable for you.

Others have taken exception to the word "convincing". Point taken. I suppose a better choice would be "Talking with your partner about Pegging". Using the word 'convincing' in the title was not meant to encourage men to pressure their partners. It is unfortunate that you felt 'bombarded' by your husband's approach.

I have no control over how your husband approached you, however. That was his doing. I certainly did not tell him to send you to reddit. The reddit community pretty accurately represents the gender split of people interested in pegging - about 80% male and 20% female, and has its value amongst the various places to talk about pegging. But it not a place I would send a woman already apprehensive about the concept. It is not a good place to get an easily accessible and organized collection of accurate pegging information. It is a place to ask questions, share information, stories and, of course, share videos and photos for pegging aficionados.

I did indeed start this website adamantly insisting that strap-on sex does not lead to wanting the real thing. Eventually I saw that sexuality is more fluid than that. Even if a man is straight and has never considered sex with his own gender, discovering that so much pleasure can be experienced through anal penetration can perhaps awaken a heretofore unacknowledged bi-curiosity. No way to predict that. Plus, society still judges men who express bi-curiosity or identify as bisexual pretty harshly, which encourages them to hide any such desires. They could be identifying as 100% straight for fear of judgement, the wife leaving, etc.

So can exploring anal pleasure through pegging lead a man to want sex with another man? Yes, it can. There is no way to know how often that happens, and I encourage you not to guesstimate based on what you found on reddit. I've been talking with men who enjoy pegging for about 5 years in many places on the internet, the pegging classes I teach, and personal emails. I'm going to throw out my best guess, since you offered yours. About 5-10% percent end up wanting to explore sex with men.

As far as my blog here is concerned, I realized that in my adamant 'he's not gay' stance, I was not leaving any room at all for bi-sexual men. So I did a few podcasts about it. Initially in podcasts 16 and 18, I talked about labels. Then in podcast 46 I talked about my realization stated above, and invited bi-sexual and bi-curious men to write/call in. The wide variety of responses was enlightening. From men who see other men on the down low to a couple who have incorporated his bi-curious urges into their fantasy play because he never intends on acting on it. Now I understand that sexuality is more fluid.

your own opinions seem to differ on reddit from what you write here, you are very supportive of married men exploring their “curiosity” with other men, whereas here you are VERY adament that strapon sex does not eventually lead to wanting other men.

Let me be quite clear, here. I have never been supportive of married men who have an agreement of monogamy with their partners, lying to their partners and exploring sex with other men. If exploring sex with men is something married men desire and they talk to their spouse about it and come to an agreement regarding said exploration - I support it wholeheartedly. Just as I support all honest, safe and consensual sexual exploration. I do not support breaking a promise to your partner and being dishonest in the name of sexual exploration.

All of this combined with the fact that you cannot even seem to get even a handful of women on your own site to discuss how great it is, I will have to assume this type of fetish is great for men (and a small percentage of women) while being tolerated at best for the majority of women.

You will find a better representation of percentages on my podcast because I read letters and questions from my readers/listeners. I don't solicit people to write on my blog. Again - no way of knowing the real numbers, but I do think they are reflective of the reddit gender split - about 80/20. Recently I did 2 interviews on my podcasts talking with women who love pegging, just an FYI, and I have many other women lined up to interview.

So - pegging is certainly not for everyone. Indeed, it sounds like it is not for you. I would never encourage a woman to peg her partner if it was an act she felt she had to 'tolerate'. No one wants an unenthusiastic sex partner. Maybe pegging is not for you. And if it isn't, you need to tell your husband that unequivocally.

Since you felt free to offer criticisms and make assumptions about my website, I am going to feel free to offer a few things for you to think about.

Imagine finding a sexual act that can offer you orgasms 10 times more powerful than anything you've ever experienced, but your husband refuses to try it with you because he is afraid it is a gateway sexual act that will lead you to wanting other women. Example...you'd never had oral sex, and one day heard how amazing it could be but your husband refuses to do it because it might make you a lesbian.
Or...Imagine being able to give your husband so much pleasure in bed that it rocks his world.
Imagine experiencing sex from the other side of the bed for once. You get to discover more of what he experiences during sex and he discovers more of what you experience. Imagine how much more understanding and compassion it could offer you both, and the potential deepening of intimacy.

If pegging is not for you, it's not for you. But I encourage you not to reject the idea out of fear.

An interesting and related link.

 

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4 comments

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  1. “Let me be quite clear, here. I have never been supportive of married men who have an agreement of monogamy with their partners, lying to their partners and exploring sex with other men…I do not support breaking a promise to your partner and being dishonest in the name of sexual exploration.”

    But only if it means that you get to have sex with married men? Or did Zach end up telling his wife?

    1. MB –
      Did I ever say I was perfect? No.
      Did I express regrets and conflicted feelings surrounding my connection with Zach? Yes.
      None of us are perfect.
      I am no exception and would never claim to be.
      Doesn’t mean I think everyone should make the choice I did, which was basically being part of a lie. Not pleasant. Not recommended.

    2. Wow…

      So judgmental and rude! Ruby is just here to share what she knows and give advise on something she enjoys. How can you come here and post that crap?

      1. She’s just projecting her anger onto a convenient target – me. Since I basically represent the sexual act that is the point of contention in her relationship, she thinks it’s my fault. Easy mistake to make.

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