Please Take Note: This is a very angry open letter to a Sociopath who was a part of my life for a while. It is meant as a personal cathartic release. This piece of writing is not at all kind, nor is it meant to be. I am posting it publicly, for my own healing. Please allow me a measure of indulgence and forgive my departure from kindness, graciousness and taking the high road. Normally, I am not an angry person who purposely tries to wound, but this time, I pulled out the flame thrower. For the whole story, there are 4 pieces of writing that are related here.
Dear Chicago Man,
I want to move on. I really do.
I want nothing more than to leave all this bullshit behind and be done with it, never having another unkind thought of you for the rest of my life. That would be a blessing.
Alas, no magic wand is in sight. I've checked with my friends and they don't have one either. Magic wands seem to be in short supply right about now.
You know, if this was simply a situation of our relationship not working out because of some incompatibility, it would be so much easier to take a deep breath and just let it go. But it's not like that. No, not at all. Far from it, in fact.
The connection we shared took time to build. You built it, methodically and intentionally. You nurtured it. You painstakingly and specifically chose the right words and actions to get me right where you wanted me, so that I would give you exactly what you wanted. Your intentionality was powerful. You succeeded in your goal.
And now? Words do not begin to serve when I try to describe the anger I feel towards you. No superlative adjectives will suffice.
I don't understand why you went to the trouble of creating such a deep and intimate connection with me when you knew it couldn't last. That seems uncaring to the point of being malicious. Do you really dissociate and compartmentalize that easily?
Definition of Sociopath: This disorder is characterized by a disregard for the feelings of others, a lack of remorse or shame, manipulative behavior, unchecked egocentricity, and the ability to lie in order to achieve one's goals. Sociopaths are willing to hurt whomever, whenever, if it means that they will achieve their goals. This is why many sociopaths are highly successful people.
Well, I guess that's the answer to that question.
The degree to which you manipulated and played me is astonishing. You were duplicitous on a god damn daily basis. My mind whirls at how you remembered your lies. You mixed a lot of truth in as well, probably so you wouldn't have to keep track of more lies.
The interesting part, though, was that you mixed in enough truth for me to discover who you really are. I like to think I am a damn good Google researcher, but it wasn't all that hard, honestly.
As a result, I have enough details to take your fucking life apart, Chicago Man. I really do. The temptation I feel inside me to expose you calls to me like a siren. Jesus, I am tempted.
I have pictures of your body and your cock wrapped up all sexy with rope. A couple of them with your birthmark. I have texts. Over 1000 of them with smiling pictures on planes and cock shots. I have the first message you ever sent me, telling me all about yourself and your accomplishments. The university you attended, the sport you played, the instruments you played. All of it.
In that message you wrote:
I will confess upfront that I am an alpha submissive and have been in the lifestyle for nearly 20 years...
Wow - I suspect that would be news to your wife, who you have been married to for 16 years.
I also desire a partner for a long term relationship.
Right. Except that you already have one. Darn it. Minor detail.
So what's happening with me now, as I work through the emotional turmoil resulting from how you fucked me over, is this. I am remembering conversations. I am remembering words you said. As I remember them, a fresh wave of incredulity washes over me, again and again.
Once before we hung up you told me to say hello to my daughter. How fucking dare you try to insinuate yourself in her life as well?! How about you tell your kids that I had a good time (for a while) beating their sociopathic dad and fucking him up the ass, and that I send my best.
Once you butt dialed me. I heard singing, and it was a Sunday. I texted you.
Me: Did you seriously just butt dial me from church?
You: What did you hear?
Me: Just muffled singing
You: LMAO - just picking my cousins up
I don't think so. You were in church with your wife and kids, playing the part that you play when you are home. You were holding up the illusion so that all the people in that part of your life believe the lies you choose to tell them.
One of the things you told me about yourself is that because of a hypercritical parent, you had a very strong need to know I was pleased with you. Guess what, Chicago Man. I'm not at all pleased at this point. You are one sick fuck.
So much pretending. So many lies. Who are you really? When all is said and done, no one in your life really knows you. And I doubt that you even know yourself.
Put that on your Linked In. Lies well. Adept at high level deceit. Displays a remarkable adroitness for maintaining a sizable house of cards.
Speaking of a house of cards...you spoke of at least 3 or 4 women you were fucking. Remember? You showed me pictures of you in a cage at one woman's house. Then there's the one who is a business associate who has sex with you every once in a while. There's the one you thought was vanilla but turns out she's pretty kinky and wanted to know if I had collared you. Oh, and there's the one in Florida - you are not her primary but you spoke highly of her.
I have no judgement about you fucking other women where I was concerned. We were non-monogamous. But your wife is non-consensually being exposed to the disease risks of all your partners. The odds are going to catch up with you, Chicago Man. The situation is untenable. The fuse is lit. It's only a matter of time.
As tempting as it is, there would be an unacceptable level of collateral damage if I expose you. Your wife and kids will suffer, even if it means you might fuck over less women like me. I won't be the one to cause them pain. You have already fucked them over enough. They will find that out eventually.
You will never change. I have no hope of that happening. You lie too smoothly, too naturally, and too voluminously. It's all smoke and mirrors with you, Chicago Man. The real is indistinguishable from the lies.
Someday you will be a sad, lonely man with lots of money telling the people in your life, No wait, this time, I'm telling the truth! And no one will believe you because you've destroyed everyone's trust.
Me? I'm going to go get tested. We always had safe sex, but I feel kind of filthy after what you did to me, and getting tested will draw a new line for me to move forward, away from the filth of you.
By the way, nice job on cleaning up the privacy on your wife's Facebook. And Happy belated Anniversary. Sixteen years of duplicitous bliss.