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Sep 20 2017

The Dance of Dominance and Pegging

 

This piece is included in the Kinky Sex Tips Blogfest 2017 !!

Click here to see the links to all the other kinky bloggers who have participated, there is sure to be some great writing, great sex tips and all around sexiness.

Also - don't miss this part, there are PRIZES. Yes, I said PRIZES. Click the link!

#KinkySexTips

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The Dance of Dominance and Pegging

Ten years ago, when I first began to explore the world of pegging, I had no idea I would soon discover underpinnings of dominance that extended quite deep into the person that is Ruby Ryder.

I just knew I wanted to fuck guys in the ass! Seemed simple enough, right? What I discovered was that the dominance I found inside myself was anything but simple. I don't mean that it was complicated in a pain-in-the-ass kind of way. Heaven's no. It was complicated in a fascinating and intricate way, attracting my attention effortlessly and holding it as effectively as a beautiful man's ass beneath me. Exploring that dominance was complicated, though. I share my story here for those of you who are on the same path.

How did it all start?

While finding everything I could about pegging on the internet, I was on many websites. Perusing a blog somewhere, I saw a list of the author's favorite kinky blogs and websites.

I clicked on one of them and found myself at a pretty cool xhamster-type website with spanking clips. Some were professional teasers, sure, but there were a lot of amateur ones as well. It was all about spanking and it was fucking hot. I'd never seen anything like it. At that point in time I rarely surfed porn.

Three hours and three orgasms later, I finally departed the spanking website. I felt disconcerted. Seriously? The idea of hitting men's asses turned me on? WTF? Somehow I found it more difficult to reconcile my wanting to hit men's asses than wanting to fuck them!

My lack of comfort with the idea did not stop me from exploring, full steam ahead, however. Despite feeling disconcerted, the revelation of finding something new that turned me on created a very exciting, bright and shiny place inside me. Self-discovery can be thrilling. Further exploration called to me.

I got on a dating site that had a very sexual set of questions which were optional. One of the essay questions was, "Describe your favorite sexual fantasy." I decided to write a quick female dominant story that included spanking and pegging, definitely a fantasy of mine. Hard Times at the Hotel was born, and I was besieged with responses. Apparently there were a lot of men out there who not only were open to having their asses fucked and spanked, but relished the idea of being with a dominant woman who would take control.

I found a boyfriend who was eager to experience exactly that. Only problem was I had no clue how to be dominant. I didn't know what to say, how to act, or even what to do! It all felt so awkward. Our explorations were hesitant and amateurish. But even those hit and miss (sometimes literally) fumblings in dominance were fucking hot, and served to whet my appetite for more.

When that relationship ended, I decided to educate myself.

I connected with my local BDSM community, where I found a wealth of knowledge. So much that it took a long time to take it all in. Like many dominant personalities, I did not seek out a mentor at first, which would have been the smarter thing to do. Instead I made a few mistakes here and there due to inexperience before I started asking for help. For example, I didn't know that to deliver a good spanking or beating, one must start slowly, and build up the intensity instead of starting out going 60 miles an hour. I found this article invaluable regarding spanking or any kind of impact play (hitting people with other things like paddles, straps, canes, etc).

Looking back - the way I did this was a bit backwards.

So here is what I have to say to you.

Are you looking to include some dominance and submission aspects in your pegging relationship?

Do your homework first!

Remember that learning any skill takes practice. Just like pegging itself, there is a learning curve. I get many letters from couples who are unsure how to navigate this territory. He expresses a desire for her to be more dominant when she pegs him. She might be willing, but doesn't have a clue how to be dominant.

If this is happening in your relationship, first you need to sit down and talk about what that looks like before galloping off into the land of dominance and submission, because the ideas you have in your heads about what those words mean can be quite different. Good communication is essential. When you try out different things, have a debrief afterwards about what worked, what didn't, what your favorite moments were, and how to make it better next time. This allows you to grow into the roles in a way that works for you both instead of having fantasies that are never expressed and may conflict.

Find a few good books on the subject. Educate yourselves as much as you can. And if you need ideas about how to actually be dominant or submissive, i.e. what to say, what to do, or ideas about interacting, ask a dominant in the BDSM community what their favorite way to dominate their partner is. Ask a submissive how they love to be dominated the most. If you like the sound of what they describe, try it!

This website has a wealth of information - peruse it thoroughly.

Personally, I love combining my dominance with my pegging. I love feeling like he is mine to play with, to direct, to give pleasure and pain to, and he receives all this willingly, eagerly. He enjoys and appreciates handing me the reins, relaxing into a space of following instructions and receiving whatever I decide to give (all consensual and pre-negotiated) instead of being expected to be in constant control.

I'm comfortable with my dominance now, 10 years later. Nowadays, when I have a first date and it goes particularly well, I walk my date to his car, gently push him against it, take him into my arms and kiss him goodnight. Often, he swoons.

 

©Ruby Ryder 2017

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