A friend of mine writes the blog Sexual Candor. His recent post, "Why I came out to my parents as bisexual as a married adult" touched me, especially after all the talk about bisexuality that's been happening here at Pegging Paradise.
The frank and open telling of his story got me thinking about the days before Ruby Ryder. The days of sexually incompatible husbands (yes, there were two) and my very real unease with my sexual desires. I had labeled those desires bad and different and too weird and then placed them soundly in the suppress category. Many of us know how well that works. Witness the maxim; 'What you resist persists'. Indeed it does.
How many years did I hide my true sexuality? Even if the answer to that question was just a single year, that's still too long to spend not being myself, tamping down my urges and fantasies until they threatened to overtake me.
Sadly, the length of time was in the decades department. Three, to be precise.
During that time, an interesting thing happened. As I loosened the reins inside me a bit over time out of sheer frustration, those desires I'd labeled as 'bad' filled up my self-pleasuring fantasies rather completely. As I grew older, I grew more and more unhappy with those unfulfilled sexual desires; more unhappy that my insides did not match my outsides. When I turned 50 I realized, if not now, when?
That was my personal turning point. That was when I took that leap into the unknown; into the honest expression of my fascination with asses in general and pegging specifically.
As I began to explore my desires, much to my amazement I found that there were many men out there who were very interested in exactly what I was fantasizing about. Who knew?! And that's the point. Before I let my sexual needs out into the light, there were certainly no men who were offering to meet those needs because no one knew I had them!
Somewhere in those decades the internet began to be a great place to search for people with similar sexual preferences to my own. I just hadn't turned that corner yet and decided I was actually going to ask for what I wanted in bed...or on the kitchen table...or the living room floor. When my turning point arrived there were dating/hookup websites where sexual preferences were front and center. Nice.
As I stepped into owning and expressing my desires and needs, I felt exposed in a couple of ways. Certainly being open about my desires felt quite exposing and vulnerable. I pretended to be confident in a fake it until you make it way. Because let's face it, what man wants a woman who is admittedly inexperienced and feeling very unsure of herself to fuck his ass ? Basically you want to know that the woman behind the dildo knows exactly what she is doing with such a vulnerable area of your body. Am I right, guys? But I digress.
The other way I felt exposed was discovering the incredibly wide variety of things that turn people on. The sheer variety of what I was exposed to overwhelmed me. Some pictures and conversations I just couldn't even look at or think about - it was too weird, different and maybe even bad.
Wait a minute...those were the labels I'd put on my own kinks for the better part of 3 decades! I resolved not to put them on others, even in my own head. Over time I became quite accepting of basically whatever turns people on as long as it's consensual and doesn't cause permanent injury (which with some kinks is a real concern).
Five years later, here I am writing and teaching abut pegging, reveling in my love of the male ass instead of feeling ashamed about it. I feel more comfortable about myself sexually than I ever have...ever.
So like my friend Sexual Candor, I urge you to consider embracing any hidden parts of your sexuality. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your desires. Is there risk involved? Certainly. Some of the best things in life have the most risk. But think of the alternative. Looking back three decades with regret is not something I would recommend...
♥Ruby Ryder♥
12 Responses
De-programming, or re-programming. Usually takes a lot more time than the original programming took, to be successful. Coupled with the fact that the original programming is usually done by many (family, friends, authoritative figures, etc.) and the de/re-programming is usually done alone or with very few others, it is a task of herculean proportions in comparison.
I’m saddened by the three decades of your life that you endured unhappiness, and can only console myself that it contributed to the person you are today.
I like the current person.
Archie – Thanks. Really…thanks. I don’t actually look at it as 3 decades of unhappiness. It was more like 3 decades of knowing it could probably be better but never finding the courage inside myself to ask for it – for fear of being judged, ostracized, etc.
I think it did indeed contribute to “Ruby” – and I’m quite happy with who I am today.
I took a poll. You rock. Deal with it. 🙂
“Those who matter, don’t mind. Those who mind, don’t matter.” – Don’t know who to attribute this to, but I heard it somewhere in my travels. Seemed appropriate here.
🙂
“Those who matter, don’t mind. Those who mind, don’t matter.”
Exactly. That’s pretty much how I’m living my life these days! And it’s a wonderful place to be.
In answer to your comment/question:
“Because let’s face it, what man wants a woman who is admittedly inexperienced and feeling very unsure of herself to fuck his ass ? Basically you want to know that the woman behind the dildo knows exactly what she is doing with such a vulnerable area of your body. Am I right, guys?”
If I was paying a professional for this, then I would expect her to know EXACTLY what she was doing, and I would accept nothing less.
However, if I was with someone who isn’t so sure, then as long as there’s open and honest communication about what we know and what we want, and a definite sense of fun, playfulness, and adventure behind this, I’d be happy to be part of the learning process for her. Otherwise, the inexperienced peggers would find it difficult to gain experience, because they’re not experienced.
True – one must gain experience somewhere. And yet…when a man is approaching pegging with a little trepidation it can be concerning if his partner is not experienced. Less fun and playful – more nervous.
Perhaps I ran across this more because at the time I’d already started up this pegging blog and website and wrote erotica with pegging themes so men assumed I was experienced….I let them assume that. And never had a serious mishap. In fact I had a really lovely time with a couple of them. Little did they know I was learning right along with them.
Hi Ruby, This is an awesome post and can totally relate -3 decades for me as well and only this past summer (I shared this experience with you) plucked up the courage to share my desire with my wife of 2 decades. It has liberated me in my communication with my wife, spiced things up a bit and though have not gotten to the actual pegging yet – it will come – it feels incredible. I will share this post with her.
Being in the place you are right now is so very exciting! I know the feeling. Enjoy.
Ruby, This blog is so true from start to finish. Your story is so similar to mine, locked into relationships that don’t thrive on discovery and exploring ourselves. My new wife of three years allows us to pull down the walls of society, and other label making influences in our lives. I’ve opened up to her about so much. We are exploring so many facets of sexual stimulation. I am in the deprogramming stage as Archie says. We decided there are no labels, no restrictions…the sky is the limit. We decided to keep it monogamous and keep it safe and consensual. I encourage everyone to work on trust first. That opens up the willingness to explore. We’re lucky to have you Ruby…
312cpl – This is beautiful. You are so fortunate to have each other and to be both so open and aware.
Wonderful post. I came to the realization I wanted this a little differently from you, but I want it just as much if not more so. And I shall be reminding myself of the fake it ’til you make it mentality as I proceed.
Thank you for your wonderful blog.
Glad you enjoyed the post.
A word about the fake it ’til you make it mentality…
In many areas of life when I take a deep breath and approach a situation with the most confidence I can muster it somehow paves the way a little or sometimes even a lot.
I don’t mean a person should pretend they have knowledge that they don’t because learning all you can about something before you try it is essential. But projecting the confidence that everything will turn out fine will help to calm a nervous pegging virgin…