This piece is written using the gender binary, because of the subject matter of masculinity, how it affects the world of pegging, and how pegging affects the world.
The last piece I wrote about how pegging can save the world centered the men. Now let's talk about the women.
I cannot count the number of times I have heard this sad story from a hopeful receiver:
I told my partner/wife/girlfriend about pegging and she made fun of me/shamed me/left me and accused me of being gay.
Here's how this relates to women and how this amazing sexual activity can save the world. Men aren't the only ones struggling with the rules of masculinity. Women have bought into unhealthy masculinity stuff, too. Oh yes, we have.
First off, how often have women heard bro-dude jokes that denigrate, insult, and imply a less-that status about other men being penetrated? How often have they heard comments using the 'bend over' phrase? Younger generations will differ, but many women have unconsciously bought into the inherent homophobia of society's current version of masculinity. So now, when their partners discover that there is a ton of pleasure available with prostate stimulation and approach them with pegging, it flies in the face of everything they've come to think of as masculine, oftentimes subconsciously.
Healthy Masculinity
What does healthy masculinity look like? There are some amazing people out there in the forefront of the men's movement who can help answer that question better than me. Sometimes people like to give examples of healthy masculinity like Chadwick Boseman, Keanu Reeves, Fred Rogers or Levar Burton. Examples to emulate are helpful, sure, but what about some actual adjectives or characteristics? Having perused (honestly, devoured) my fair share of men's work writings, podcasts, etc., I'm going to make up a list off the top of my head, neither complete nor precise.
- Build and encourage community and work together instead of competing, which leads to isolation.
- Strong enough to ask for help when needed.
- Supportive of friends, family, partners, children.
- Able to express emotions instead of denying them and bottling them up.
- Eliminating 'humor' that denigrates femininity and gay/bisexual choices.
(Bear with me here, I will eventually get back to how all this relates to women.)
Hearing From the Men
In 2019, Movember released the conclusions of a survey (pdf) of 4000 men in 4 countries; UK, USA, Canada and Australia. I suggest you check out all the results, which differ from country to country and age. It's quite eye-opening. Among those results I found this:
- Men think that society expects them to be emotionally strong and not show weakness (58% think this), to fix things (58%) and to be physically strong (57%). Many men have experienced pressure personally to be these things.
- Most men believe that talking can help. Over three quarters of men (77%) think that talking is an effective way to deal with problems, and 76% believe that talking openly can have a positive impact on mental health.
- But, talking can be more complicated than it seems. Over a fifth (22%) of men say they are unlikely to speak with someone if they were having problems that they were finding it hard to cope with. 41% of men say they have regretted opening up to someone about their problems, and over half of these men (53%) say that this experience would prevent them from opening up again.
- More men have had a positive experience (50%) than a negative one (29%) when they have talked openly with others about a problem. Men who have talked openly have felt better about their problems (65%), felt they could handle their problems better (50%) or had ideas for how to improve their situation (40%).
- American men are the most likely to say they feel a great deal of pressure to be manly/masculine compared to the other nations (13% vs. 9% in Australia, and 7% in both Canada and the UK). Linked to this, American men are also more likely to be mocked, either always or frequently, for not being manly/masculine enough (12% compared to 8% in both Australia and the UK, and 7% in Canada).
Back to the Women, and How Pegging Can Save the World
So, with all this information, now think about how difficult it is for a man to ask their partner about pegging; something that many consider to be the height of un-masculine.
I'm going to make an ask of you women out there who have found your way to this article. Take a good long look at the expectations about masculinity you have of your partner. Try to put yourself in their place around the whole subject of pegging and, knowing what you know now, how would that feel? And what would you most want?
- Acceptance, not judgement
- Curiosity, not condemnation
- A considered and informed response instead of a knee-jerk reaction
- Trust and safety to be vulnerable with no assumption of weakness
- Trust and safety to enjoy anal play with relish abandon and not have your sexual orientation questioned
- Recognition of the strength and courage it took to ask for pegging amidst society's rules of masculinity
- Gratitude for the trust and openness granted by their partner in communicating these desires
There are (understandably and including me) a lot of angry women out there right now (even before the election). We are unwilling to accept the many repercussions of unhealthy masculinity. Women want our partners to do their work, get therapy, open up, be an equal partner, and learn to communicate. We need them to learn to manage their own emotional labor, etc., etc. This, while quite reasonable, is not easy work for men. It goes against everything men are trained out of (non-consensually) since young boyhood. The very act of opening up and talking about problems is viewed as not masculine or strong. This is also not easy because some women like those rigid gender roles. They want men to appear strong, unemotional, in control, and never weak. And sometimes this is not a conscious choice, but reinforced by society, movies, and media all around us.
I am embarrassed to admit that the first time I saw one of my partners in tears, asking me not to leave on a trip I was taking because he needed me, I felt something akin to revulsion. Thanks a fuck ton, unhealthy masculinity. That was nigh 35 years ago, and I have learned so much since then.
Men are human beings, not automatons. They feel, hurt, and have fears just like we do. Expecting them to stuff all these emotions and act like automatons is fucking ludicrous. And to their detriment! This may well be a big factor in why men don't live as long as women. And for what? Just so they can fulfill a bullshit arbitrary set of rules.
Don't Contribute to the Problem
Don't be one of the people who mock softness in men. Celebrate the softness they have uncovered despite all the bullshit rules. Don't be one of the people who denigrates vulnerability and conflates it with weakness. So much courage is necessary to open up to that degree, despite all the bullshit rules. Have some compassion for the difficult road many men are attempting to navigate at this time, amidst all the bullshit rules.
And while I say all of that, I must include this as well. Women, do not compromise your boundaries. Hold strong for equality and call out misogyny everywhere you see it. You never, ever have any responsibility to engage with trolls, assholes and misogynists (even if you discover your partner is one of those!). You have no responsibility to facilitate the healing or growth of any man.
But don't be part of the problem! This can also include speaking up, making sure your voice is heard, living large and unapologetically according to the rules you set for yourself. Let kindness and love lead you through all of this. Remember, we are trying to save the world here.
Male privilege doesn't happen in isolation. Disadvantages come with the package, too (mental health and suicide). Women are all too familiar with the disadvantages that come with our package. I'm not going to list them all here, having gone on too long already. But know this. We need everyone on board to save the world.
I am confident that in time, our society will let go of the bullshit arbitrary set of standards considered 'masculine'. Then we can embrace well-considered suggestions to be productive, happy people, all-inclusive. I dream of a time when masculine and feminine are seen as the social constructs that they have always been. Their worth will be little in the grand scheme of things.
Then I believe a LOT more pegging will happen, having lost its stigma and found its place in men's sexual pleasure. And then we will indeed save the world!
Movember is doing amazing work in the area of men's mental health and suicide prevention - please donate if you are able!
