(I used gender binary pronouns in this piece, as it relates to society's views about masculinity and heterosexual sex. No offense intended, as clearly there are different combinations of orientation and gender identification than the generalizations I used here.)
When I teach my Art of Pegging for Beginners class, I make a point of mentioning soft cocks. Specifically, the lack thereof when pegging or doing any kind of prostate stimulation. In fact, I go on a bit of a rant, complaining about how all kinds of (usually incorrect) meanings get unnecessarily attached by women to a lack of an erection.
He's not hard, he doesn't want to fuck me.
He's not hard, he doesn't think I'm sexy/beautiful/attractive.
He's not hard, he's not enjoying this.
I point out how much pressure this puts on men. The expectations around this are intense, and not just from those who want penetration. The owners of said cocks want them to be hard, too. The majority of men see a hard cock is an essential ingredient for 'sex', not to mention basic masculinity.
The Definition of Sex
Why essential for sex? Partly because when people think about having (heterosexual) sex, the automatic default is PIV (penis-in-vagina). There are a growing number of sex educators and others who are attempting to redefine the word sex. Changing the understanding of the word sex to mean any consensual, safe erotic play that partners agree upon would be a breath of fresh air! This would benefit men by taking the pressure off of them to have an erection. This would also benefit women, most of whom do not orgasm from penetration alone.
The lack of comprehensive, accurate, pleasure-based sex education in the US contributes to this narrow definition of sex. How? Young people often learn about sex from watching porn, where the over-emphasis on erections persists. While porn can be great entertainment, it is not sex education, and portrays a skewed view of sex. Most porn gives people the idea that sex is all about PIV and is extremely cock-focused. Porn also portrays women as needing little foreplay, orgasming easily with penetration, and loving facials. This is all fine for entertainment, but it's not sex education, and it's certainly not reality for many women.
We sex educators try our absolute best to inform and educate people, but websites like ours are typically not where most teenagers go to learn about sex (and this is when the sex-negative social media platforms, web hosts, and censorship-heavy spam filters even allow us to work). Young people look at porn because it's easy to access. So there is no one out there (except for us sex educators) telling people that good sex, or sex period, does not need to involve a hard cock.
Back to Soft Cocks
So, what happens when those expected erections are harder to achieve, or even impossible? Sure, there are always pharmaceuticals, which come with an extensive list of health conditions that contraindicate their use as well as an extensive list of side effects. And there are cock rings, which can help. Still, if you are told at every step of life after entering your sexuality that a hard cock is a requirement for (heterosexual) sex, I can't imagine how it would feel to have difficulty getting hard or have no erections at all. Some men feel so ashamed that they cannot 'perform' that they withdraw and isolate, unable to talk about it and unwilling to engage sexually at all, lest they risk the embarrassment of not being able to get hard. Sometimes they stop touching their partner completely because touch is often so connected to sex for men, having been non-consensually trained out of their need for loving non-sexual touch since young boyhood. But I digress.
And now we get to the real reason I sat down to write this piece.
Soft Cocks and Masculinity
I would like to shout from the rooftops that we need a newer, healthier, and more evolved model of masculine sexuality! Other characteristics of healthy masculinity are taking shape thanks to people like Mark Greene (Remaking Manhood) and Charles Matheus (Visionary Leadership). This new model of masculinity needs to address sexuality, too. I've been thinking a lot about what a healthy masculine sexuality might look like.
The association of a hard cock with masculinity is seemingly inescapable, from all sides. You see it in porn, movies, and bad jokes about not being able to 'get it up'. This connotation is so ubiquitous that there are young women posting in reddit/sex that their partner couldn't get hard, and they are very worried that could mean all kinds of things, even about their partner's sexual orientation! Most women don't understand that cocks can be fickle as fuck regarding erections. Take note - these women are posting questions on forums because they are so worried that something must be wrong if he can't get hard. That needs to change, people! And to be clear, I am speaking to both men and women here. Because men can be comfortable not having an erection but it's still a fucked up situation if women's expectations don't change, too.
Soft Cocks and Healthy Masculinity
For the women, you need to let go of your expectations around erections, please! Do your best to discard the default to PIV, and normalize soft cocks. Embrace a more relaxed, interested, consensual exploration of each other's bodies to discover what brings pleasure, and what brings thrills. Think of what new erotic vistas this can offer. It might include tracing soft, slow circles on the inside of your elbows until your whole world is the deliciousness of that sensation, that connection between his warm fingers and your skin. Can that be called a part of sex? Absolutely! We are all so different! What sense does it make that we would all like PIV and only PIV? Or that a hard cock is always necessary? Or even that we all want to have an orgasm?
For the men, know that a critical component of a good sex partner is a dedicated and intentional investment in their partner's enjoyment, even if a hard cock in not a part of that enjoyment. I value a partner's considered and purposeful setting aside of their automatic impulse to put a hard cock in an orifice. Instead, let's take the time to find out what thrills we can give each other. That is my version of a healthy masculine sexuality. It's sexy as fuck, too! And I believe it is more likely to result in satisfying "sex" for both parties.
Some years back on International Women's Day (significantly tied to the act of pegging thanks to Ryan Reynolds in Deadpool) I recall posting that I dream of a day when a man and a woman who are newly embarking on sexual exploration together have a talk about how they will sexually engage with each other, and one of the questions would automatically be deciding who will penetrate whom, or perhaps whether there will be any penetration at all. Let’s try that.
Normalizing Soft Cocks
Kudos to Michelle Rene, creator of Soft Cock Week - a celebration and normalization of soft cocks. This event happens annually. I highly encourage you to explore their offerings and help expand your understanding of soft cocks, whether you have one or not! Since it's inception the knowledgeable, talented and inspired Erica Leroye has taken over as hostess of Soft Cock Week. Here's the posted mission statement:
Our mission is to provide a supportive, informative, and fun place for people to explore, ask questions, share new ideas, and discover for themselves that the body can be a rich source of pleasure no matter how the penis shows up. We also acknowledge and honor that feelings of isolation, vulnerability, grief, shame, frustration, and confusion often accompany erectile issues, be it your own or your partners, and that offering knowledge, compassion, resources, and community are essential to well-being and our capacities for continued growth throughout the life journey.
Like the Rooster that crows to meet the day, the human “Cock” often has something to tell us about how the whole organism is doing. Soft Cock Week is, at its core, an appreciation for the flaccid phallus both as it is and for what it may be asking of us to “awaken” for the good of our physical and mental well-being. Soft Cock (Appreciation) Week is our offering to come together to broaden our understanding of the gaps in our sex education, physical and mental health supports, and cultural beliefs and family systems that all contribute to erectile variability.
My opinion - Soft cocks rock!!
