First off - an apology for the click-bait title. This piece is indeed about that subject, and of course there is no definitive answer to that question that applies to every person who pegs their partner.
But here's the apology. Using the gender binary is something I have eschewed for a while now, knowing that there are many different people who engage in pegging who identify differently than 'man' and 'woman'. But my WordPress title analyzer says this title is a great one, so I went with it. And since this topic intertwines with the definition of masculinity, I'll often be using binary terms in this article.
Now let's get into it. The reason I decided to write this piece is because I am a moderator in a pegging subreddit and this question comes up a LOT, from both receivers and givers. The stigma is real! So, I wanted to explore the subject a little and dive in.
Over the years that I have been teaching about pegging, I have seen many reactions from potential givers that are something like this:
I don't think I would ever be able to look at my partner the same way if I pegged them.
While the people who say this rarely explain their reasons, I can surmise them. It can fall into a few different categories.
Lack of Masculinity = Loss of Respect
There are rules about masculinity as defined by society. I have spoken many times about the unhealthy definition of masculinity that causes all manner of problems. There is a weird rule that to be considered masculine you cannot do anything that might be perceived as gay or feminine. In fact, that's the overarching rule that affects so many parts of a man's life.
The really awful part of this weird rule is the loss of respect when the rule is not followed. Think about it - this implicitly means masculinity is superior to gay or feminine. Because if gay and feminine are equal to masculine, there is no loss of respect. In a perfect world, no matter what orientation you are or how you choose to present yourself, everyone deserves to be seen, and treated, as equal.
Instead, men who don't follow this weird rule of masculinity are discriminated against, harassed, teased, and shamed. Then the seen (and treated) as inferior to the men following the weird rule. This is cruel and ridiculous. It stifles authenticity in men and causes all manner of problem in their lives. The reluctance to explore receptive anal play is one of them.
Male Penetration = Lack of Masculinity
Anal penetration is certainly not exclusively gay or feminine, by any means, but this is another weird rule of masculinity - no penetration. Because you must be gay or feminine to enjoy penetration. And remember, that is forbidden! This teaches men that enjoying anal penetration equals loss of masculinity. This results in many men choosing to pass on anal pleasure, for fear of what it might mean about them or what others might think it means (back to the first weird rule). This is true for penetration by a partner of any gender but also applies to solo play, which is so fucking strange, I have to say. What reasoning is there to believe that you are less of a man if you enjoy playing with your ass? WTF?
Yet this constantly reinforced rule is everywhere in our society. So, it's not just the men who are caught up in the ridiculousness of the weird rule. And this is where the repercussion of a loss of respect can happen if women are believing the weird rule - consciously or unconsciously. They see their partner as less of a man if they peg him. Because male anal receptive play, in their minds, equals lack of masculinity.
Weird Rule =/= Reality
The reality, which I'm sure everyone is aware, is that the area of your body that you enjoy being stimulated has absolutely no bearing on the gender you prefer to do the stimulating - so that takes care of the question of sexual orientation. And to further prove the point, just think about it for a minute - gay and bisexual men do not have physiologically different asses that straight-identified men. All are capable of feeling pleasure with prostate stimulation!
Thankfully, people, especially young people, refuse to label things as masculine or feminine. Men wear fingernail polish, wear skirts and makeup. People are non-binary and don't identify as either gender. This freedom of expression is making it easier for men to explore pegging, too. And of course, I do everything I can to spread the word, encouraging men in their quest for pleasure!
Sure, it depends on where you live how much grief you might get for being different than the weird rules say you are supposed to be, but things are gradually changing despite those people still stuck in the rules. They clinge onto those rules with what I believe is fear. Fear that if masculinity gets redefined, their entire world won't be how they want and need it to be anymore.
They believe that following this weird rule upholds the necessary order of things, when the rule is arbitrary at it's core! Centuries later, now that we've had a chance to see just how unnecessary and weird this rule is (not to mention cruel, discriminatory, toxic, and stifling) there are many of us who want to throw this particular rule into the garbage. Clearly with good reason.
I say throw the weird rule down the sink and turn on the garbage disposal. Gone for good.
How to Be the Change You Want
Be authentic and own it.
Admittedly, this is easier in some geographical places and with certain people than others. Of course, you must protect your livelihood - because some people lose their job when they push against the arbitrary rules of sexuality in this society. So be careful with this one. But if you decide you do want to take the risks for the relief of not having to pretend, follow the weird rules, and play a role for the rest of your life, then own it.
If a friend, relative or acquaintance 'accuses' (please note that the word 'accuse' implies you are doing something wrong - you aren't) you of being gay because of your enjoyment of receptive anal play, here are some choices for responses.
- First, laugh. A deep, sustained, belly laugh, if you can manage it. Followed by, "You actually think that only gay or bisexual men feel pleasure with prostate stimulation? Catch up! It's the 21st century!
- First, laugh. Then look right at them with a smile and say, "So what if I am?"
- First, laugh. Then, "Dude, do you know how much pleasure men are missing out on if they haven't explored prostate stimulation? It will blow your mind! This is all about pleasure, not orientation. Want me to send you some links?"
Why laugh, first? Because it disarms the shaming. And it lends the right tone to their ridiculous assertion. As if anyone could tell you about your own sexual preferences! Act comfortable with your choices to explore the pleasures offered by your own body.
Dealing with People Who Insist You Follow the Weird Rules
If they keep teasing you or 'joking' about it, become a broken record, "My sex life is not up for discussion, and I need you to respect that." If they still continue, walk away from that friendship or distance yourself from that relative because they don't respect your boundaries. Choose friends that can accept and celebrate your authenticity. Friends who respect your boundaries and choices instead of insisting on everyone following the weird rules. Those rules don't help anyone! That's the strange part.
If you are a woman whose partner has expressed a desire to explore pegging and you feel like you will lose respect for them if they explore anal play, sit with that and really think about it for a while. Then read this article again and try to let go of your impulse to follow the weird rules of masculinity. Allow your partner to be whoever they choose to be. Then celebrate your victory of choosing authenticity amidst the pressures of arbitrary societal rules that don't serve any purpose.
There is relief, comfort, and expansiveness that is possible with a healthier, more authentic definition of masculinity! My hope is that all men find that someday, and as a society, we put those rules into the garbage disposal where they belong.
Personally? I have respect bordering on awe for all you men who are able to get past the weird rules and be who you really are. Because I know it isn't easy. I celebrate you!
