I was just lying in a lovely hot bath with an excellent article I printed out for some relaxing reading.
The article is from the blog "Positive Juice" where a guy named Mitch writes some very thought-provoking stuff. The particular article I was reading is "The Destructiveness of the Modern Idea of Masculinity". Very interesting. The way Mitch's mind works, his ability to put his reflections into words for the benefit of the world at large is heart-warming and commendable. I read his musings about what it felt like to be a man in a world that places many so many behavioral restrictions and expectations on his gender. And I got to thinking.
Lying there in the steaming hot water, letting it soothe the tensions of the day away...it occurred to me how intricate and fraught with confusion the initial coming together of people can be. No wonder it goes awry all too often. Especially when you are a little kinky. Like when you identify as being either dominant or submissive.
Example. I have dominant tendencies. So with dating, what happens when I overlay dominance across the template of accepted social behaviors? As a dominant woman should I be the one to make contact? Is he waiting for that? Or is he just not that interested? Confusion ensues. From his side of things too, perhaps. Should he wait for me to tell him what to do or do I want him to take the initiative?
Of course the key thing that solves all of this is communication. Yes, communication; the panacea of nearly all relationship ills. When I meet a man, after we have determined that there is chemistry and mutual interest in further exploration, perhaps we should just discuss how to proceed. This would avoid much confusion. A bit of a "Care and handling of the dating phase with Ruby", if you will, complete with a quizzing of him and his preferences, too. Wouldn't it make things easier? That way neither one of us is guessing and hopefully we are both getting what we want (if our preferences match).
A few months ago I had lunch with a perfectly lovely man. Nice looking, interesting, accomplished, a pleasure to be with. After the date, which ended with a quick but nice goodbye kiss, he texted me a "had a really great time" message. I responded that I had a lovely time as well and added a few compliments. And then nothing. Months later he sends a short message, just saying hello. We start talking. I told him I didn't think he was interested. He is. He was pretty much waiting for me to make the moves. He thought it was I who was not interested. Fascinating.
I do love being pursued. I like a man who is eager to be with me; one who will take the initiative to orchestrate a date without hesitation. In fact being with a man who has a lot of initiative in general is wonderful...as long as he's mine to command in the sexual arena much of the time. That is the contrast I love so much; a man who is the master of his world, used to being in control of his empire and confident in running it...and he's mine in bed. Yeah Baby.
4 Responses
I completely understand the dilemma, but I really don’t like the idea of discussing ‘how this will proceed’… to me it’s horribly unromantic (all the pro-communication arguments about it can bite me).
To me the best approach is to just say what you want in a single non-ambiguous statement: it is low risk (ego-wise) and leaves the ball in his court. “I’d love to explore this with you, but I like to be courted, so if you’re interested, let’s see what you’ve got, baby…”
If he jumps in with both feet, then great. If he doesn’t, then you have put your signal out there and he is obviously just not interested (or not capable of pursuit). Either way, it’s done.
Ferns
lol – Ferns – yes, that was very unromantic phrasing, I agree! Wasn’t really planning on saying it that way. The important point is that I put out there what I want and he meets me there…or not. I can do that. Whether he has the ability to express his own wants or not is up to him . I think my control issues were showing just a tad… :-/
I have to keep reminding myself that I only know what’s best for me…beyond that I just have to take a deep breath and let go.
Ruby- THANK YOU!!! again and again! As a man with kinks, I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to have a woman, like you said, after a date in which both people feel a connection and chemistry, one, or both people come out from behind the curtain (so to speak) and speak frankly.
I think that society has made many people afraid to say in a social setting “This is what I want, are you up for that?” and then look the person DEAD in the eye and see if they flinch.
As a man, I feel like I’m on an even slipperier slope, treading that razor’s edge between being confident, but not arrogant; assertive, but not aggressive; pursuing, but not stalking.
Adding Dom/sub tendencies or any kind of kink into the mix complicates things even further.
I was blessed to meet a woman who was not only up-front with me on what she was looking for, but has been infinitely open to other possibilities… Ones that neither of us had really hoped to see fulfilled in our partners; many of which we didn’t even know existed for us, until we stumbled upon them together.
In the end, I agree fully with you Ruby. Open and honest communication is critical. But just because it’s open and honest doesn’t mean it’s got to be bland, or boring. I think the sexiest thing in the world is a woman who can boldly look me in the eyes, smile a devious smile, and tell me EXACTLY how she wants me to go down on her.
Beats the hell out of hoping your guy can read your mind…which, by the way, we can’t.
KPP – Communication is indeed an essential component for me…frankly I overwhelm most people because I communicate pretty intensely. That brand-new time…when everyone is on their best behavior…it takes courage for me to put it right out there as you and Ferns described. Saves time, though!
And as Ferns mentioned – at that point it is still low-risk ego-wise because you don’t have that much invested. Imagine months down the line when you really start to feel connected and then you ask for what you want and they say “no”!