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Pegging Paradise Podcast #20
♥ Some Women like "playing hard to get". It has some awful consequences. Let me tell you about them. And then you can tell me what you think.
♥ Readers answer last weeks question: "When you started pegging, what was the one thing that you experienced that you never expected? The big surprise?"
♥ Quotes from Dr. Marty Klein - Censorship and the Fear of Sexuality
♥ Another amazingly forthcoming letter from a bi-curious man who is happily pegging with his wife.
♥ Mention in Bisexual Chronicles
♥ Next week's question: Experienced peggers – who have used both the double-enders and flare-based dildos – do you think doubles are a good choice for beginners?
17 Responses
The hard to get game, i believe to be a legacy idea. i am a very straight forward type of guy and if a girl says no or that she is not interested i take that at face value and get on with what ever it is that im doing. It does seem that guys expect girls to play hard to get so then not accepting no for an answer is the standard response.
On the flip side back to the legacy thing we all can be guilty of it to enhance flirting, normally when both partys have shown interest in one another.
Hard to get it is a stupid concept when used by women when they are interested but the female mind is one of the worlds biggest enigmas.
Your comment about women’s minds being the world’s biggest enigmas is more evidence as to how women’s playing hard to get behavior is confusing for men. I know it’s more than that – genders think differently about a lot of things, but still… women are adding to the confusion by acting confusingly!
I find your use of the word “legacy” interesting.
The back and forth approach and retreat flirting can be fun when both are fairly sure the interest is mutual, yes. So perhaps there is a more harmless version of this phenomenon.
I Use the term Legacy in reference to how times change and its not really used in its, What i like to think its true form to help entice one another and highten the want for the end result.
Not like now a days because it says so in a magazine
I see – that makes sense. There is definitely an erotic tension inherent in the approach and withdraw kind of teasing.
I am 28 and my first pegging experience was when i was 21. It was with my girlfriend at the time and it was a total accident that we both got into it. Over the time we was together we had built up a big arsenal (no pun indended). Most strap on dildos are of the same stats and unless you go for some thing advanced.
It really is personnel preference and should be decied upon as a couple taking into account what you feel comfortable with.
I would go with the flare-based dildos as you have a bigger range to choose from
Roladex can you explain how you get into pegging by a total accident?
In return, I can share with you that I got into pegging after 6 years of sexual bets with a good friend who was confident in her sexuality, and her desire to experience all sorts of things, ultimately pegging.
yea sure. It started with me asking my girfriend if she had ever had or thought about anal. we had been going out for about a year or so and felt relaxed around each other. She said that she had a bad experience with it and said that if we was to try it that i should see how it feels. Not to back down to her challenge i said yes. She started with using fingers and i dont think she got the reaction she was expecting as i was enjoying it. We then started using small vibrators as part of our sex life. she mentioned trying dildos and we agreed that it would be fun to move up a stage.
Before that i had never even thought about it
I love that you were game enough to receive anal in order to show her anal is okay. I recommend that to all men so that they can learn firsthand how to give good anal.
Did she end up enjoying it, too?
Playing hard to get… I personally think that it is a cover of insecurity for some men, and women, who don’t want to be exposed/burned/rejected/whatever. I’ve never exactly understood the fear since it is a bit irrational to assume that every person will be attracted to one another.
Your points about rape culture are spot on.
I would offer that I’ve always thought if a woman says no, or acts disinterested, that I would step back and play the hard to get role. If she wants to pursue me, then she will, but she should appreciate the fact that I did try initially, and she did say no. It is a sign of respect when a woman says no.
A man who pushes on because “he read on the internet” or “women who say no, mean yes” have read too much literotic, reddit, or whatever other site men/women use to openly express their fantasies. In general, women aren’t afraid to say what they mean. This isn’t Little House on the Prairie. Women are more empowered today.
It could be a generational thing, but I think “playing hard to get” is harmless if it is in a flirtatious way where she never says “no” but just keeps enticing you to pursue a little bit more. Once the words “no” come out of her mouth, it ends. However, until that point, she is simply feeling you out, or enjoying the fact that somebody is that fascinated with her. I am no different. I think that might be “courtship” (or a better word post 18th century).
Finally, the term slut is highly arousing when it is being used during the peak of passion. I’m sorry, did I type that outloud.
Ruby, great points – but remember – you were responding to a reddit question about how to interpret a one night stand when a woman says no. That is extremely tricky as people are only looking for sex and are not considering other aspects of that person. What I describe above is more of a dating/NSA/FWB/LOL type relationship. One night stands for me, in the past, have involved women who are clear that a hook up is on the table, that a hook up with me is on the table, and that we should be hooking up, now, on the table.
Well, some of them are. But remember that we (you and I) live on one of the two coasts, where attitudes and openness about sexuality are more relaxed than the rest of the country. There is a big bible belt in the middle where many times women and sexuality are not well accepted in the same sentence. And it’s not that women are afraid to say what they mean like with the man’s reaction – it’s the fear of being labeled a slut (and not in the good way that you definitely said out loud) by her community if they do. I do think it is more of a generational thing, yes. And if your experience is that less of this no = yes game playing is going on – I take it as a good sign that the tide is changing with the younger generation.
Classic sprezzatura. Love your facility with words.
*Ahem* raised in the bible belt here. 🙂
Congratulations on your all-too-obvious rejection of the twisted values that surrounded you, then!
Well it was her idea to make the step to using strap ons. It was a birthday suprise and we both loved it. We would try plan interesting role play and place to do it. That was what she got out of it. She said the physical act its self did nothing for her but she said she loved my reactions and the thrill the role reversal.
Role reversal can be quite a thrill indeed. Sounds like that was a very happy birthday…
I have to admit that while I was listening to the first few minutes of this week’s podcast I found myself to be a little bit irritated by your view on the game of ‘playing hard to get’ since I automatically associated what sprezzatura has characterised as more of a ‘flirtatous’ teasing with the term.
Of course, I entirely agree with your assessment of it being potentially dangerous in the context of a situation where the sincerity of a ‘no means no’ might be questioned by the male turned possible rapist. It is a slippery slope for sure!
But at the same time I wouldn’t want all those cheeky, innuendo-filled conversations in bars, clubs, etc. to end. I believe there is some middle ground to be found under a lot of insecurities here and we do not have to resort to a strict seperation between subtlety and safety.
First of all, irony tends to get lost in the written word. When a sentence is spoken by a person the meaning of that very sentence can be turned into something completely different by the smallest facial expression or a slight shift in tone. There are countless ways in which a ‘no’ might be rightfully understood as a ‘yes’.
However, a person walking that thin line should always be aware as to when the tide starts to turn. And I suppose this especially applies to women. Sadly there is a chance that a lot of men are going to misunderstand such behavior and react poorly at which point it is vital that the woman has made sure of not running out of words to be clear about her true intentions.
Also, I’m sure a climate of ‘no might mean no, but it might also mean yes, or …’ leads to more than a few problems in our society starting with the most simple conversation.
There is some underlying sexism at work here I am sure and the fact that I am arguing for a more (for lack of a better word) subtle approach to talking about hooking up could be considered out of line while in more conservative areas the very absense of this lucidity is the problem.
But consider a setting that is dear to all of our hearts, wherein a woman and a man meet in a bar and by some twisted logic they start to talk about pegging. Now, as a man, I am in that position of choosing whether or not I want to be clear about my intentions here.
In my mind it would be much more enticing to play ‘hard to get’, to have the woman almost give up in frustration just to finally succumb to her wishes and be fucked, no be ravished by her and feel the power of all that tension I created in her.
So, in conclusion, I want to say let’s always be aware of the danger but at the same let’s not forget the fun we have playing with fire.
PS: Should all of this indeed come across as too peculiar, please disregard my statement as I am writing to you from that equally peculiar place called Europe.
Damn. I love the level of conversation here at Pegging Paradise. The magnitude of intelligence is startling.
Yes, there is that. Women need to be up front and strong about their true intentions when it gets down to it. That can sometimes be a scary thing.
I hear you about the fun and playfulness in discourse full of subtle power exchange. Those moments can be luscious. Perhaps the more dim-witted men will just continue on, thinking no means yes. Now does that mean that all women should say 100% no to playful and harmless teasing? No. I was absolutely representing one end of the spectrum of personal interactions. Thanks for the reminder.
As often is the case – somewhere in the middle is perhaps most appropriate. I really appreciate your urging not to lose the fun we have playing with fire. I love that kind of dynamic.
Lastly – your view from across the pond is so very welcome and appreciated!