Opening up with Kissing

Luis Royo, "Carress"

One of my very favorite activities is kissing. Very favorite. Hands down.

I'm fascinated by how people feel around the subject of kissing.  Not just the friendly peck on the lips kind - the all-out swapping spit kind. Some people feel that kind of kissing is very intimate - so intimate that they will not share it with anyone but their partner, even if they have an alternative relationship model that allows for sexual interactions outside of their relationship. They keep kissing as 'something special', just for them.

In the younger generation there are some who refuse to kiss with their casual sex hookups, because the kissing is too intimate. This puzzles me, frankly, to think that intercourse is less intimate than a kiss. I wouldn't want to be having even casual sex with anyone I couldn't kiss. And yet...there is something about being face to face, breaths mingling, lips touching and tongues exploring....that really is intensely warm and personal. And perhaps that could actually feel more intimate than being connected by your genitals because with kissing you are all up in someone's business....right there in front of them, right in their face in such a beautiful and personal way.

There are also people who really don't like to kiss at all. I can't relate. But we are all fascinatingly different and the contrasts are what makes life, and especially the coming together of bodies in all the various ways, so interesting.

My thoughts about kisses are just about what I like. I realize there might be people out there who would call me a bad kisser - so really it's more about matching than it is about good or bad. Like when you tell someone, "You have such great taste!" And what you really mean is that you both like the same things.

So, I love kissing precisely because of the intimacy. I don't need to fuck a man to kiss him. If it's a long, lusty session of hot smooching, I would probably go home and play with my toys after that, but my point is that the deep, soulful kissing is not inextricably connected to sex for me.

I find I can enjoy kissing with people I have just met, too. The chemistry has to be there, yes. But beyond that, if he (and occasionally she) is a good kisser I am quite happy locking lips for a while. Since I have been hanging around more sex-positive and sexually open people, I've been able to experience these kissing extravaganzas (that's just my name for them); parties where the kisses are plentiful and eager.

It's a lovely, sensual, erotic exchange that puts an automatic smile on your face the next time you cross paths with your kissing partner. The kissing automatically connects the participants on a deeper level than everyday life ever allows. You know that saying 'the eyes are the windows to the soul'? I think kissing is the window to a person's sensuality, willingness to be vulnerable and let someone in, literally and figuratively.

I thrill to deep connections and kissing allows me to drop right into a deeper level with someone. For me, the way a person kisses reflects so much about them, and about how good they might be with me sexually as well. When I feel attraction or chemistry with a man, I find I am curious to see how he kisses. His passionate kiss. Deep kiss. Soft kiss. Gentle kiss. All those. Every once in a while I find myself kissing a woman, too. Women are so soft and they smell so good. After kissing a few women I totally get why men love us! But I digress.

So I was at this party. It was a bit of a wild party. 'Nuff said. At one point I announced to the people in my general vicinity that I wanted to be kissed - that I loved kissing. One young man obliged me and he is what I would definitely call a good kisser. We kissed for less than a minute and he pulled back, thanking me and expressing that the intensity was a bit much for him, more intimate than he'd been with anyone so far that entire weekend. Of course I respected his choice to disengage and thanked him for the kisses. And I was pleasantly surprised when, saying goodbye to everyone in the wee hours of the morning, his goodbye was accompanied by a very intimate kiss. Nice.

I certainly had other delicious kisses that night, but I tell the story of the young man to illustrate the point about kisses being intimate. They are. And I crave that intimate connection, even if I have absolutely no plans to do anything other than kiss.

Then again, I am single! If I had a partner I would of course take their sensitivities into consideration and not run around kissing everyone willy nilly, simply because I wanted to. But I wonder if I would crave it as much.

One could theorize that I crave it because I'm not getting enough of it. Have I ever gotten enough kissing? Yes. I have. And that relationship taught me to look for connections with a lot of good kissing; it's essential for me. I thought the kissing would be within the accepted boundaries of a relationship, but my thinking has been expanded around that. Perhaps there are other choices. Other relationship models I am becoming more and more open to.

As a single person, how does kissing come into play when I am dating? When I meet a man, whether the connection is a FWB or potential life partner, and he passes all the filters I've devised from the lessons I've learned in past relationships, when we get to that point where we have met in person, have good chemistry, he's polite to me and the wait staff, everything seems to mesh and it's time for the next filter?

The kiss is the tell.

For me, how well we kiss is the acid test. I don't mean for that to be intimidating, but life is too short for kissing I don't like. Touch I don't like usually follows kissing I don't like. I have been a practicing massage therapist for 26 years and I want a partner with a highly developed sense of touch. The kind of touch where it's not simply their hands moving around on my body...they are their hands, connected to my skin and tuned in to me, touching, playing, caressing and noticing my responses. Sharing a kiss can tell me that. Good kissers make me squirm and melt. Usually their hands follow suit.

I have been on dates with extraordinary men in so many definitions of that word, and then the kiss was a complete fail.  I have tried to 'teach' 2 different men how to kiss in my life after an initial kiss fail  - with lackluster results. If my date's kiss is a 6 on a scale of 1 - 10, that's workable. Anything less than a 6 and they get filtered out. I am somewhat embarrassed to be rating a man's kiss on a number scale, but hey - works for me.

I don't think I should tell them that the kiss is the tell before we kiss, though - it's too much pressure. I think I should just ask them to walk me to my car and give me a kiss goodnight, and not place the importance of the entire connection on that one thing....even though everyone knows that's what is happening anyway. We all make decisions as to how good it feels to be with someone and whether it feels good enough to want to see them again. Kisses are definitely a part of that evaluation process. My favorite part.

Is kissing intimate? Absolutely. Delightfully and deliciously intimate. I think I need to schedule a kissing party....


One Response

  1. I agree 100% with you. It has been my experience that a partner whom is truly attracted to me will show it in her kiss. I have had only a few experiences where there was not any real attraction and although body movements ( not body language, which is more of a subconscious action) & the vocal chords can say one thing, while the intimacy of a kiss shows a more primal truth.

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