FWB = Friends With Benefits. A casual sexual relationship without commitment.
LTR = Long Term Relationship
Readers of my blog will likely have gathered by now that I am a fairly sexual person. I think I'm making up for all the lost time during which I hid my kinks and tried hard to pretend they didn't exist. They existed quite vividly in my fantasies during those years. It became increasingly sad that my fantasies were so far apart from the reality of my life. So 8 years ago, I changed all of that. Now I want sex more, I enjoy it more, I crave it. I'm finally getting the sex I wanted for decades. I know exactly how to ask for it, negotiate it, and revel in it.
So, shrugging off all the stigma and slut-shaming attitudes for a moment, pretending like they don't exist, I love sexually engaging with men. I love the touch, the discovery, the play, the intimacy, the kissing and the fucking. All of it. Celibacy is not an option for me. And luckily, for me, it doesn't ever need to be as I am approached pretty constantly.
I am quite particular, however, and careful about who I invite into my bed. I take care to place my partners into the proper category, having made errors of that sort earlier in my life. I don't offer a FWB connection to a man who wants a long term relationship with me, even if he agrees to it. There is an imbalance of desires. He will always want more than I want to give. Conversely, if a man is unavailable for a LTR and only wants FWB, he needs to immediately be placed in the correct category.
When I choose a FWB, it is important that he have a fatal flaw. That may sound funny, but if there is nothing about the man that would stop me from pursuing a relationship with him, I can easily fall for him. The fatal flaw can be a few different things, and the list is designed strictly around my preferences. Too young, has small children, smokes pot regularly, already has a partner (and practices ethical non-monogamy). Those are the most common fatal flaws that work well for a FWB connection with me. All of those are deal breakers for me in a LTR, so I don't allow myself to emotionally connect to the same degree as I would with a man I am considering a serious relationship with.
So along comes Mr. Just Right. He approached me as a service submissive, offering to clean, cook, serve and basically do whatever I wanted him to do. That's what makes him happy. Of course there was a sexual component to it as well. He made it quite clear he loves pegging even as he apologized for bringing it up in his first message to me. He was about the same age as me - quite age appropriate. Said he wasn't looking for a LTR, but if one fell in his lap he wouldn't push it away. I said I didn't engage with men his age unless I was looking for a LTR, because if I want a FWB, I usually go for the pretty young men. But the chemistry was pretty intense, so I went for it.
We started getting to know each other. We communicated a lot and negotiated what our play would look like. I'd never been with a man whose sole purpose when he saw me was to do whatever I wanted. And he really meant anything. There was such a freedom in that willingness. I had such fun planning his visits.
One morning I had him arrive at my home and get naked, put on a harness complete with butt plug, and cook me breakfast precisely to my specifications, all this while I was still asleep. He woke me up, served me in bed and ate with me, squirming from the plug. It was one of the more erotic ways I have ever started my day. Then he moved furniture with me, cleaned for me and chauffeured me around town to do errands, all the while that plug was buried deep inside him. Finally we went home and I had my way with him.
Another time he came over and I had him give me a massage. Considering he'd never given one before, he did quite well at it. In our negotiations, he'd mentioned wanting more experience with receiving impact play, as well as a deep love of pegging. Imagine that, my two favorite things. Oh yes, we had some amazingly hot, passionate and intense times.
The last time he visited, I was in a mood. I needed soothing and attention from a difficult day that had left me a bit raw. So I had him give me another massage, but after he loosened up my shoulders, I allowed him to touch me anywhere he wanted with anything he wanted as long as the quality of touch stayed gentle and teasing. Sexually he'd been wanting to please me more, but that happens slowly with me. Receiving is not my forte. I need to feel safe and the energy needs to be right. So in this raw state, I let him in. His touch was...just right. I was so relaxed, laying on my stomach, that I fell asleep for a short time. After I turned over, he slowly and gently soothed my body all over, finally ending up with his fingers perfectly on my G-spot until the intensity brought me to tears and had me trembling. Oh yes, and squirting, there was some of that, too. Then he held me in his arms and told me he was right there for me and I did not have to go anywhere.
Everything felt...just right. Our communication was excellent. Our kisses were luscious. He had time to spend with me. He loved receiving what I love to give. His hair was long enough to pull. His body was fit and strong. He loved it when I pushed his boundaries and took him places he'd never been. I loved his complete acceptance and enjoyment of my imperfect body, especially my belly. I loved the way he thrilled to the scent of me and was completely comfortable with bodily fluids. I loved the way he was willing to bend over for me anytime I wanted. His cock fit just right inside me. He loved the way I like to let my pubic hair grow, told me it was so rare to find. According to him, I beat him and fucked him better than anyone ever has. It was ridiculous how good of a fit we were. And it happened so fast, too fast. About a month of being together. I opened up emotionally with him. I opened my heart. Especially on that night I felt raw. The night he held me after touching my very core.
So you can see this coming, right? He had no fatal flaw. So I started falling. Being a good communicator, I told him what was happening. Explained how he had no fatal flaw, so I couldn't continue to play with him because my heart would get involved. I could already feel it happening. We talked a while. I can't speak for him, but if I heard him right, it seemed as if he wanted the passion, the emotion and the intensity of a relationship, but not the relationship. I knew if I continued to see him, I'd just be sitting there hoping he would change his mind, which would create a horrible power dynamic quite unbefitting a dominant woman. Not to mention setting myself up for heartbreak. So I sadly, but firmly placed him in the correct category, unavailable, and walked away. Not one of the most easy things I have ever done.
The good thing is I know my heart can still open. I experienced the beginnings of that with Mr. Hot Body from Texas, and before that it was years and years ago, the man who walked away because I became a sex educator. What an amazingly tender and vulnerable place that is for me to go with a partner. The emotional intensity is rich in deliciousness and depth, and creates a deep connection rather immediately.
To cheer myself up, I got back on a dating site and am enjoying the attention, the dates here and there, the possibilities. I also had a fun kinky party at my house and had the pleasure of beating two beautiful men. That always cheers me up and makes my panties wet.
In the end (absolutely no pun intended) Mr. Just Right really wasn't, of course. Because he wasn't available. He seemed to want all of the fun, yummy stuff and none of the commitment or responsibility. Which isn't just right for me at all.
6 Responses
I so appreciate posts like this, even though it’s such a huge shame for you. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. Did he say *why* he didn’t want a relationship? Might he change his mind once he comes to his senses?
Either way, thank you for sharing it.
I still sometimes feel like ‘other dominant women’ somehow just pluck these fabulous submissive men out of the ether as if it’s just that easy. I guess it’s because people tend to share the successes (and fair enough) and not the ones that don’t work out after a date or a week or a month or whatever. It’s almost an invisible struggle.
So despite it being a bummer for you :(, I do appreciate that it’s not just me who finds men who fit with me so rarely.
Ferns
Ferns!
Great to see your comment here.
I think that as dominant women, our challenge of finding a man who is the right fit is quite significant. My hypothesis is that society tells men that if they appear weak they are ‘less than’, so men are not comfortable with letting out a submissive side. Sadly, vulnerability is often incorrectly conflated with weakness, too. This dissuades men from expressing their submissive, vulnerable side, despite how much they might long for it. I believe that a man who allows himself to be vulnerable is often emotionally stronger than most. In my world, there are society’s taboos/misconceptions about pegging that he must be able to deal with as well. Because a man who is with Ruby Ryder is clearly into pegging, hard to keep that quiet if you know my work. All of this conspires to turn what might have been a sweet match to something untenable because of society’s judgements.
Add to that the delicate balance of matching up kinks and the box of possible men feels pretty small. Which is why it is so disappointing when a man comes so close to being just the right fit.
He did not say why he did not want a relationship, no, so I cannot speak to that. What I do know is that I rocked his world in a way he will never forget. And he knows where to find me.
We will both find our guys someday, Ferns! Meanwhile, I do enjoy play with those lovely men with the fatal flaws. Thank you guys!
Ruby,
A very thoughtful, revealing and honest passage. You, and Fern, touch on several issues; one of which is the presumed dichotomy of male submission. As you pointed out, our society pretends on defined roles and stereotypes, and strongly criticizes or ridicules anything outside that. As you both pointed out, it takes confidence and security to allow yourself to be submissive, more so if society feels that the male is fixed to be dominant. Likewise, women have to be confident with their dominant side, and with a submissive man. There is a ying and yang that is not accepted in our society (perhaps other societies historically, but so few and far between).
Another item you pointed out is accepting your innate desires, in this case [y]our kinks and being accepting of ourselves, despite society’s thoughts. I similarly kept my “taboo” desires in check until my thirties, but as of yet still have not fulfilled them for the reasons you both have mentioned and why you have such difficulty as well. Unfortunately, it is this (society’s judgements) that prevents me from openly discussing this and promoting you on social media. A coward perhaps, but in some ways a prudent (oh how I hate the connotations of that word) one as I have a professional life to get on with. Kudoos to you for your efforts and campaigning. For now, I will just have my toys and fantasies.
Louis
Louis,
Enjoy your toys and fantasies. I completely understand the professional life priority! But you know…an anonymous account would allow you to let your kinks out with delicious abandon… (Pay no attention to that “real name” thing that FB is trying to enforce. They haven’t caught me yet!) Here’s me on FaceBook. Friend me if you feel moved to take this suggestion!
Excellent and heartfelt essay, Ruby. Thank you.
As you know, I’m married to a woman who is willing to fulfill my desires even when they don’t match hers exactly, and vice versa. I hope you find your LTR guy sooner rather than later. Time isn’t waiting for any of us.
Warm Regards,
Dave
PS. When are you going to open the pegging forum here?
Hey Dave – thanks for the kind words…Time certainly isn’t waiting, no. Which is why I am looking in earnest. On the other hand, it’s the journey, not the destination, so I’m having lots of fun while I look! Will have the forum going soon – promise!