A No is a No
I can just hear a whole bunch of you ready to become keyboard warriors and remind me that a no IS ALWAYS a no and consent is King (or Queen, whichever you prefer). I totally agree with you. No one should be pestered or manipulated or coerced. Ever. No is a complete sentence. And I'm going to keep talking, here, because in the pegging world, I believe this is not quite that cut and dried.
The Wiggle Room
I address this piece to you receivers, because you are most often the ones to ask for Pegging. You are also the ones who regularly show up in the forums asking for advice because said no.
In my opinion, the intersection of Pegging and a no can be a little more complicated. Why? Because Pegging is a sexual activity that is widely misunderstood and, as I have said ad infinitum, is connected to many misconceptions and incorrect assumptions.
If you suspect that your partner's no has to do with any of these misconceptions and assumptions (which is common) it can make sense to ask your partner if they would be willing to get accurate information before they make their decision. Otherwise they could be saying no to something they think you are asking for, but you really aren't!
So to be very clear, a no arrived at with wrong information has a small amount of wiggle room. What's the wiggle room? Giving them accurate information.
What Can Happen With Incorrect Information
Example: If you believe (because of porn and a lack of good sex education) that all sexual intercourse includes choking and spitting, you might automatically say no to an offer of intercourse, and stick to oral sex. One day you get the information that intercourse actually never has to include choking or spitting. There are many different ways to have intercourse. Then you might be open to trying it.
Extrapolating that over to Pegging, consider this. You ask your partner about Pegging. Without any more information, they could assume any or all of the following.
- You will no longer want to have intercourse
- They want you to dress up like a dominatrix
- You want them to tie you down and beat you
- You want to dress up in lingerie
- You like pain and pegging is all about pain
- You want humiliation/degradation
- Pegging is filthy, like plowing through excrement
- Pegging is a gateway sexual activity to bi/gay
Some of these are misconceptions. Some are kinks commonly combined with Pegging. All are common concerns.
The Complication of Other Kinks
Now perhaps some of those kinks are what you want. But if you weren't specific when you asked, your partner doesn't know that. They can't read your mind. As a hopeful receiver, you approach your partner about Pegging. The only information you give them is an interest in the act itself, without elaboration. Your partner says 'no' to your request because they really don't understand precisely what you are asking for. They think you are asking for some or all of those incorrect assumptions and/or associated kinks. So, you accept that no because a no is a no.
Then, many years down the line, somehow your partner discovers (maybe it's through my website) that Pegging can be done any way you want to do it - it's customizable. They find out that many of their ideas about pegging are mistaken, which causes them to reconsider. Perhaps they are aware of your solo playtimes, even if they don't want to be involved. They know how much you enjoy it. So they come to you and you have a conversation. Armed with the new information, they decide to try out pegging with you. So you start Pegging!
You may have wasted all those years, simply because they did not know precisely what you were asking for and what you were not asking for! This is the wiggle room I am talking about.
It's Hard to Ask!
The discomfort of being vulnerable enough to ask for Pegging (one of the most widely misunderstood sexual activities) probably didn't help you to elaborate about the specifics, understandably. If you are interested in other kinks and they are also new to your sexual relationship, perhaps you didn't want to overwhelm your partner with too many new things at once. Plus, each one of these kinks is something they might reject you for, so bringing up other kinks can feel super scary.
But if you don't, that space quickly fills with their assumptions. They might assume you want to be humiliated, and you might have no interest in that at all. Maybe they said no to the humiliation more than the pegging! See where I'm going with this? The misunderstanding of what you are asking for happens because of the misconceptions along with the lack of information. There's nothing there to counter the inaccurate information so it continues, unchallenged. Only with all the details can they make a true decision that is a response as opposed to a knee-jerk reaction.
Podcast #112
This is what I made Podcast #112 for! I bring up all of those misconceptions, assumptions, and kinks so you don't have to! You can pause the recording and say yes or no to each kink. This way you don't have to bring it up yourself. It's a little easier that way.
I see a lot of conversation back and forth about a no is a no, so let it go and don't badger your partner, don't pester her, respect her boundaries, grow up and go get a fucking machine etc., etc.. I suspect most of these situations were embarrassed hopeful receivers who threw the idea of pegging out there without any other information. Precisely because they were embarrassed to be asking. And perhaps people who insist that a no is a no in every single situation are givers who were pestered or coerced. Those situations are unfortunate and should never happen, and I still believe there is some wiggle room.
Relationship Factors
And remember, all of this still doesn't take into account what other dynamics exist in your relationship. Keeping your side of the street clean and trying to keep your partner as happy as possible in and out of the bedroom is important not only for their possible openness to a new sexual activity. It's important for a healthy and thriving relationship! If you already have issues with your sexual relationship before you think about asking for pegging, work on those issues and resolve them before throwing pegging into the mix.
What do I want you receivers to take away from this?
Most Importantly: Do NOT read this as permission to badger, manipulate, pester, coerce, or otherwise continue to ignore the potential giver's no. That is NEVER okay. Some of you already got a no. Others have yet to ask. Let's look at each situation separately.
You Have Not Asked Yet
If you have not yet approached your partner about pegging, first listen to podcast #112. By yourself. This will help you understand more clearly the common concerns, fears and assumptions that givers have. It will also help you to communicate what you are asking for and what you are not asking for. These two things are so important when approaching a partner about a new sexual activity and even more important where Pegging is concerned.
Then, if they are willing to listen to it, do that it with them, don't assign it as homework. There are points in the recording where I direct the listener to ask their partner about associated kinks (because I don't know what you want, only you do). Pause the recording and answer that question. This way they will have correct information not only about the sexual act itself, but also the details of what you envision.
After listening to the recording, you could even ask them not to give you an answer right away, to sit with it for as long as they need to before replying. Even a few days! Remember, you have been thinking about this for a long time, most likely, but it's all new information for your partner.. Tell them if they have any questions you would be happy to answer them to help them reach a decision. As uncomfortable as it can feel, invite those questions. Information and communication build safe containers for freer expression.
They Already Said No
If you have already asked about Pegging and given your partner little or no details, and they said no, consider this. Apologize for bringing it up again and not completely respecting their no. Then voice your concern that they may have misunderstood exactly what you were asking for because you didn't give them enough information, and apologize for that, too. Ask them if they would please be willing to listen to more information before making their final decision. If they still say no without listening to the information, respect that no! All you can do is ask.
In either of these cases, once your partner has the information and says no, or has refused the information, that's it. Respect that no 100%.
And if you get a no - continue your own prostate exploration with the best of toys! You deserve it.
