Masturbation is…Allowed?

Wow. Now I know I surround myself (by choice) with a crowd of sex-positive people who are very open-minded about all things sexual, but I was still surprised to find this...

"Masturbation is allowed in our relationship, so it's not considered cheating."

I came across this statement in a forum where a guy wrote in and talked about how his wife found his anal toys and freaked out.

Well, there are a lot of reasons why a woman might freak out - wait, there are a lot of myths and misconceptions that could cause a woman to freak out. And I have addressed those ad infinitum here at Pegging Paradise.

But to think that there are actually couples out there who think that masturbation is somehow 'cheating' on your partner?? I'm having a hard time trying to find any words to express how I feel about an attitude like that, that aren't filled with judgement and words that are not nice.

So let me try to find some words that are nicer and more diplomatic...

Naive. Any woman who thinks that a man does not masturbate because she is in a relationship with him and his sexual needs should be completely met by her is really...naive.

Sad. Any woman who never masturbates because she believes that all of her sexual needs should be met with her partner is missing out on the empowerment and bliss that comes from exploring your own body and seeing how it works. I think that is sad.

Unfortunate. Any man that agrees not to masturbate is lying. And lying in relationships is unfortunate.

Constricted. A relationship in which masturbation is 'not allowed' feels intensely constricted to me. Do these couples believe there is only so much pleasure to be had together and they want to make sure none is wasted because that wouldn't be fair to their partner? Or is sexuality that scary to let loose?

Guilt-inducing. Rules that are not followed create guilt when broken. And that rule will indeed be broken. But the transgression will be hidden and both partners will pretend it never happens. That creates a hard space of un-truth between a couple, which is also sad.

Unnecessary! Sexuality is healthy. Sexual urges are healthy. Masturbation is healthy, and completely normal.

This is a fascinating piece by Planned Parenthood on the history of masturbation, and below is a quote from the article

People who have regular sex partners, live with their sex partners, and/or are married, are more likely to masturbate than people without sexual partners and/or who live alone (Michael, et al., 1994, 165). This disproves the notion that adults who masturbate are sexual failures who lack the social skills to find sex partners or that masturbation is a behavior only for individuals who don’t have partners or who are otherwise sexually deprived.

Self-pleasuring is...pleasurable, normal, and healthy! Perhaps the couples who believe masturbation should not be allowed are still listing to the old religious beliefs long since disproved with facts. Read the article.

And just wait until Masturbation May comes!


Michael, Robert T, John H. Gagnon, Edward O. Laumann, & Gina
Kolata. (1994). Sex In America: A Definitive Survey.
Boston: Little, Brown and Company.

8 Responses

  1. It really does depend where you saw the person say that and what sort of relationship they were in. You’re coming from a very vanilla perspective here, which I assume means you saw this on a vanilla site, but I’m still adding my 2c :).

    In a D/s relationship, the submissive not being allowed to masturbate (or not allowed without permission) is pretty common. They agree to it and he isn’t lying about it when he says he won’t (I think that’s the bit that prompted me to comment because the absolute there rubbed me up the wrong way).

    IF I’ve said he’s not allowed to masturbate, and he does, he’s violated our agreement (I wouldn’t call it cheating, but I guess I can see why some might say “cheating on our agreement”).


    1. Thanks, Ferns. Chastity agreements or no masturbation agreements within the context of a D/s relationship are an entirely different animal, to be sure. Thanks for helping to color in the whole picture. In this instance – it was indeed non-kink, and she even went to her parent’s house for a few days because she was so upset that he had butt toys. 🙁

  2. People should be allowed to do what they want and feel good about it? BLASPHEMY! Well stated.

    Somewhere, this pairs with the whole shaming aspect. I’ve racked my brain for years about how I got into the pegging fetish in the first place. I’m pretty sure it’s because I was raised in an environment that didn’t embrace sex. So when I discovered it, and discovered it could be enjoyed for longer than a few minutes :), it was like I just wanted to push further and further.

    To this day, while happy, I always wonder what the next kink I haven’t devoured could be.

    Insatiable. I’ll add it to my resume.

      1. C’est vrai, however, with an insatiable appetite comes the challenge of finding your counter balance. For a moment, for a spell, or for a lifetime, who knows. But we are all chasing that high. 🙂

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