Guest Post by Traveling Bard
To understand how I submit, one must know that my mind is split into two realities. One reality is egocentric, and is centered around my survival and well-being. The other reality is without ego, to observe myself as the world would observe me. I dance between these realities to find a path going forward that serves my interests, and ultimately creates win win conditions for all parties involved. The theme of two parts is present in most of my personal narratives.
To make my mind submit is relatively straightforward, so I will start with it. My mind is continually playing a numbers game of probability, desirability, value, energy spent, etc. It is openly critical of any faults I have, and is actively searching for means to reduce the impact of my weaknesses while maximizing my strengths. It is very much open to friendly advice and input, because it has been destroyed both intentionally and unintentionally in times past by my weaknesses. I try to keep my mind as malleable as possible.
I know that there are people out there that do not have my best interests at heart and it would be in their best interests to exploit a vulnerability I have (much like a computer) as long as they can before it is brought to my own attention and I am able to try and patch it. Bring on board a logic system that can beat my narrative and I will shamelessly make the new system my own, and learn how to understand it. This process has repeated itself for countless years. As soon as I understand that logically I am beaten then I learn how to adjust to the new system. An example being that if I am shown a new technique to lift an object that puts less strain on my back and requires less energy, and I am shown how each part of the new technique beats my own, I will learn it.
The submission of my emotions is incredibly difficult. With how often I have been told that I scare people with my emotions, I have concluded that I operate on a different level of emotion than most people are accustomed to. If logic is to be compared to a guidance system, then my emotions are a propulsion system. Consequently, letting people have purposeful emotional leverage on me is very risky business. My emotional submission is shy, nervous, timid, service oriented, and secretly voracious. It is the mirrored opposite of how I normally conduct myself as a top or a dominant. It needs to be drawn out, nurtured, and held in check by a dominant who has my best interests at heart. Because of my lack of experience with being able to be submissive, attempting to delve into it more gets murky at best.
I have created erotic pieces in the past that I have never published because just after the person submits, I freeze and get writers block. I can write submissive stories for others, but so long as my own submission is the focus, I have an incredibly difficult time seeing what happens next. The desire to delight my top / dom is what shapes most of my submission. I want to receive sensation and pleasure, but in a way that pleasures the person with me. The best way I can describe this paradox is that a musical instrument cannot play a piece of music by itself. I may know what I am good at, and I may know what I am capable of. Ultimately however, it is the person topping me that is creating the music.