The Many Ways to Bend Over; How Words Matter

Bend Over as an Insult

In my efforts to educate people about Pegging, one of the things I address is this patriarchal bullshit of using anal penetration as an insult - specifically for men. I listen to a political podcast and the podcaster sometimes talks about how someone will 'bend over' for someone else. Clearly what is being implied is that they are doing the other's bidding, caving, obeying their wishes. It strikes a nerve in me every time he says that. Let's explore.

I don't want to talk about who the podcaster is or what he was saying. I'm more interested in exploring that particular phrase and how it's used. Some years ago I noticed the words 'bend over and take it' being used in this way and tried to offer a rebrand of sorts by presenting it as a positive. Recently, 'bend over' has come back around, claiming my attention once again and still being used as an insult.

Only the Men

This phrase is almost always used about men, and continues to be an insult. Typically it is about one man who is doing the bidding of another man, or submitting to his wishes. It can mean letting someone take advantage of you, or preparing to be 'screwed' literally or figuratively. What bothers me about this use is that there is an automatic implication of less-than, and an insult by association of gay and bisexual men.

Interesting note, there's a military slang of BOHICA, which stands for Bend Over, Here It Comes Again. Meant to convey the sense of wearily submitting to the idiotic or malicious decisions of higher-ups. Yeah, not even going to go down that road. The military is full of this stuff. Just wanted you to know this exists.

My Bend Over Challenge

Look, people. I already have enough challenges getting men to explore anal receptive play! The shame and hesitation they feel no doubt results at least in part from humor and comments like these. And wake up - If bro dudes hanging out together constantly make jokes about gay sex, that's not humor. That's punching down at a marginalized group and pretending like it's funny. That humor is at the expense of others. It's often followed by 'no homo', further making the point that 'homo' is undesirable and less-than. I exhort you to be better than that!

Bend Over Alternatives

What if people made a different word choice and said, "Greg decided to be Bob's puppet." Would the puppeteers protest? I think not, because there is no societal negativity involved in being a puppeteer. There is no humanity involved in the puppet until the human gives it life. No one gets insulted! So that would be a good choice.

"Greg just does Bob's bidding" is another good choice. One might have an opinion about whether Greg should be doing Bob's bidding, depending on the people involved and what the bidding is. But no marginalized group of people get insulted as a side effect from that statement.

"Greg bends over for Bob all the time" might be appropriate if you are explicitly talking about the sexual activities between these two men, but otherwise - nope.

Do Better

Here's the deal. I've said this many times before, and will no doubt say it many more times. There are men who do anal exploration, whether solo, pegging or just receptive anal play with a partner. They are courageous, intrepid explorers of their own sexuality who deserve to be celebrated, not insulted. They have managed to ignore all the less-than fucked-up humor and comments and explore their asses anyway. That courage has its rewards, to be sure. They are multiple and can be profound and extraordinary, as many readers of this blog have discovered.

Eliminate that phrase and way of using it from your vocabulary, please, and desist from the insulting gay jokes. Commit yourself to humor and phrasing that doesn't insult anyone. Words are important, choose them carefully. Because, as we know, bending over can be extraordinary!