Aug 26 2014

No Fun For Her – Yet

This comment was left on my Pegging 101 website. This woman's experience is not unique. I thought it needed front page exposure. Please feel free to copy this and share it as widely as you like - Let's get the word out!

Ruby, I can’t say I enjoy this site but I am glad you give real advice, nowhere else to turn. My bf and I are having some problems with pegging. I agreed to do it once and hated it completely. I thought once I gave in and at least tried (like I’ve noticed you tell so many women to do) he would at least respect me for trying. Wrong. He talks about it constantly, even more than bjs or vaginal. I wasn’t really turned off by the anal stimulation itself, but the fact that he loved sucking on a dildo really bothered me, that’s taking it a lot further than just stimulation, that’s wanting to suck d*** which is very gay-curious.

So please Ruby as much as you want to tell women this lifestyle is healthy and normal they need to understand that once you open Pandora’s box, you can’t close it and you might not like what you find out. Finding out your bf enjoys sucking and taking something that for all purposes is a penis can be a huge turnoff, especially if it interests him more than a vagina.

Thank you very much for leaving a comment here. I'm sorry to hear that your first time of pegging did not go as well as you both hoped it would, and seemed to be very upsetting for you. Perhaps I can help.

My response is going to be pretty long, and I am going to post this on my blog as well as talk about it on my next podcast, because it's so important for my listeners to hear. There are definitely other women out there who have had experiences just like you did; you're not the only one.

I hope you find this information useful. Please understand that pegging isn't for everyone, and it might not be for you. I'm not trying to talk you into it. Just trying to show you the other side of the picture a little, to hopefully help you understand his point of view.

I wasn’t really turned off by the anal stimulation itself, but the fact that he loved sucking on a dildo really bothered me, that’s taking it a lot further than just stimulation, that’s wanting to suck d*** which is very gay-curious.

So, let's talk about your assumption that your boyfriend is "gay-curious" because he enjoyed sucking the dildo. First of all - if he is anything other than heterosexual (straight), it's going to be bisexual - because if he's fucking you, he is not gay. Gay is if he enjoys men only. Now...Imagine two lesbians who do strap-on sex. If one of them enjoys sucking on the dildo, does that mean she really wants a man? Of course not. I don't know if your boyfriend is bi-curious. I assume you two have talked about it in the context of your concerns about trying pegging. If he said he's not, I'd believe him. If you didn't talk about it, you need to do that and to express your concerns. Pegging is an act, not an orientation. Sure, the equipment you are using resembles a penis, but go back to that lesbian example - it doesn't necessarily mean he wants a real penis. Ask him.

Sucking the dildo could be something he did because he thought you would like it, in the context of the role reversal experienced in pegging. Let me explain. I have heard more than one man tell this exact story - that when first faced with his girlfriend/wife wearing a strap-on, it is so exciting, because usually he's been fantasizing about it for a long time, that he doesn't know what to do. So his first thought is, well if that was me standing there, what would I want? I'd want to have her suck on my dick! So he proceeds to do that and freaks out his partner. She thinks - what the hell? I can't feel it and is he just pretending I am a man? 'Cause this feels really screwed up! I get it. I'm not a fan of my partner sucking on the dildo so much. To me it seems pointless, because I can't feel it and it does nothing for me. But if it does something for him, then it's more fun for me.

Consider this - many of us have fantasies that are always going to remain fantasies because it's not something we really want in real life. It could be that it turns him on to think about it but he would never in a million years want to actually do it with a guy.

Also, consider this. If he wanted to be with a man, it would be SO much easier to go have sex with a man than go to the trouble to convince you to try pegging, right? He wants to do this with you.

I agreed to do it once and hated it completely. I thought once I gave in and at least tried (like I’ve noticed you tell so many women to do) he would at least respect me for trying.

Your phrasing is painful to read. You "gave in and at least tried" but seem to have already been anticipating never doing it again and expecting him to respect you for trying and to then leave you alone about it. That's no way to explore new sexual territory with your partner. It's a guaranteed failure. If you are at least neutral about trying something, that can work, but it doesn't sound like you were. And whether that was because you had fears about him being bisexual or that pegging him would fan the flames if he was, I have no way of knowing.

He talks about it constantly, even more than bjs or vaginal.

Imagine if you suddenly discovered that you could have an orgasm 10 times more powerful than anything you had ever experienced. That's what an orgasm is like with a combination of prostate and penile stimulation. So if you discovered that intense level of pleasure, wouldn't you want to do that...a lot? Or imagine that you discovered that if your boyfriend stimulated your G-Spot with his fingers or a toy that it could give you a total blow-your-mind, full-body orgasm. Wouldn't you be eager to do it a LOT? And he might be sitting there going....what about my dick? What about regular intercourse?

So...when men first experience pegging, their enthusiasm for it can be an issue for some couples. And it's not just about the level of pleasure, it's also about experiencing sex in a completely different way that allows them to be vulnerable and to open up and receive. It does kind of blow their mind.

My advice for couples who have this issue is to schedule regular pegging, and I am not even kidding. Otherwise, every time they head to the bedroom, he's hoping she will peg him and she's pissed off because it feels like that's all he ever wants. If you schedule it, he can relax and know he'll be getting it regularly, and you can relax and not feel pressured every time you have sex. Plus, pegging requires some preparation for him, so scheduling helps that, too. Tell him that his continued interest in rocking your world sexually in all the ways he usually does is the price of admission to regular pegging land.

So please Ruby as much as you want to tell women this lifestyle is healthy and normal they need to understand that once you open Pandora’s box, you can’t close it and you might not like what you find out. Finding out your bf enjoys sucking and taking something that for all purposes is a penis can be a huge turnoff, especially if it interests him more than a vagina.

It sounds here like you are saying you now have proof positive that your boyfriend is bi-curious, because of one session of pegging where he enjoyed sucking the dildo and getting fucked by it. The dildo was attached to your body, right? Which I assume has breasts and a vagina? Unless you have talked with him about the bi-curious thing and he has said, "Yes, I am bi-curious", you are making incorrect assumptions about your boyfriend's orientation (remember the lesbians!). Pegging doesn't magically turn a man bisexual and he suddenly starts craving hairy, muscular bodies. Not the way it works. If he was bi-curious to begin with, it might arouse his curiosity a little more, but straight men don't turn bisexual because of pegging.

...Interests him more than a vagina...

I imagine that feels quite painful, and you need to tell him how it feels to you. In fact - take some time and calmly talk all this through, that would be my advice. Tell him you feel like he's obsessed with pegging now, that that's all he wants to talk about and he isn't interested in your vagina anymore.  Tell him that sucking the dildo really turned you off and freaked you out and tell him why. And then talk with him about his orientation - don't accuse him of being gay because he sucked a penis-shaped object and had it up his ass. Lesbians fuck each other's vaginas with penis-shaped objects, too - are they straight? Talk with him about it calmly and ask him if there is any part of him that is bi-curious. That's the only way you are going to get open communication is to...communicate openly. Otherwise, you can assume anything you want and agonize over it as much as you want, too. And it could all be for nothing.

If he is bi-curious, then you need to figure out what that means for your relationship and go forward from there. But at least you won't be sitting there accusing him of being bisexual because of something that happened with a sex toy when you two were in bed!

Good luck to you both. And if you feel so inclined - we'd all love to hear what happens.

Ruby Ryder

 

Not everything turns out perfectly in Pegging Land. The writer of this letter did respond and let me know what happened. Read about it here.

 

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  1. This is a beautiful response! Definitely adding to one of my favorite reads this month.

    1. Thank you!!

  2. All very well stated, although, I may add that the one piece is missing, is another piece that is very challenging in relationships…. one partner feels that the other is being selflish.

    Ruby, excellent suggestion of a agreeing to a schedule….one that the partners can discuss up front in order to set appropriate expectations. I agree that the experience can be overwhelming as it unlocks a new and exciting place to venture for the man and leaves the woman likely in a less than “10x the orgasm power” feeling, especially if she wasn’t as enthusiastic as you were.

    As a man, I think you should give credit where credit it due. It isn’t about how “great the strapon felt”; it is about how amazing it felt that she was doing this with him. You liked how she thrusted or how she panted or anything she said, etc. Make her feel involved, make her feel sexy, and recognize that while it may have been the greatest thing since Apple Pie (or Peach) for you, it can be very intimidating for her.

    Afterwords he should be asking her questions to make her feel involved in the experience and demonstrate he was thinking about her… did her muscles ache… did she find it more challenging than she thought…. was it what she thought it would be… etc. Then, LISTEN. If she says she didn’t like it, or found it awkward, etc., then file it away for a rainy day. And unless you are in Seattle, it isn’t everyday. But kinks come and go based on people’s moods. Well… maybe that’s just me.

    1. All good points, Baron! Thanks for this.

      If she says she didn’t like it, or found it awkward, etc., then file it away for a rainy day.

      With this situation I would say talk/work with her to figure out ways to make it more comfortable/easier/less awkward. Talk about what exactly she didn’t like and see if a solution can be found so she would enjoy it more and be willing to do it more often.

  3. great answer Ruby. I’d like to add that not every pegging session is a success. Even after you been doing it for a while. Sometimes something is just off. You stop, and try again another time. But, you need more attempts before making a decision on how much you like it. Believe me, after a few successful attempts, you and he will be happy.

    Often in sex, it is both partners trying to give each other pleasure and an orgasm. Pegging is different. You are the giver and he is the receiver. With my wife and I. This is her treat to me. You get satisfaction giving this to him and he has to let go and receive your gift.

    I try to do other things for her….maybe a back rub. or oral….before pegging. He must make an effort to show his appreciation to you. Otherwise, it becomes less appealing to her to give more.

    As far as sucking the dildo. That’s not my thing, but I do have bisexual fantasy’s I have never been with a man. But, I am very oral. So, I tend to fantasize about sucking cock at times. But, the fantasy includes my wife watching. I don’t fantasize of being with a man alone. I enjoy the realistic dildos.

    Ruby hit it on the nail, when a man experiences an prostate orgasm, it is ten times better than normal. When you look up and it is your wife giving you that pleasure, it is 20 times better. The best for me is laying on my back, the wife giving it to me standing off the edge of the bed. After a while, you two get into a zone, and matching each others movements. The she strokes my cock, burying her cock in me rapidly and the make me come! Friggan fantazstic.

    Everyone is different, I suggest planning once week or so. For me, I love knowing when it will happen. It is arousing anticipating it.

    Enjoy

  4. You sweetheart! Thanks for the nomination!

  1. […] Educational/Review, I nominated Ruby Ryder’s Pegging Paradise’s No Fun for Her Yet. She takes a concern of someone and eloquently addresses it. And I’m really tired of men who […]

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