Masturbation Month???

May is "National Masturbation Month?"

How did I miss this???

This is the completely awesome discovery I made today; every year there are 31 days in which people are encouraged to "self-pleasure"!  After doing a little investigation as to how all this came about - I discovered a rich history and on-going tradition that is slowly spreading around the world. I am sorry to have missed the celebration this year, though during May I was certainly participating, however unknowingly...

So....exactly how did this wonderful month-long wanking celebration (nod to those across the pond) come into being?

We all owe a big thank you to Joycelyn Elders, the Surgeon General under the Clinton administration. In 1994, this lovely, highly educated, progressively-minded woman was asked if masturbation had the potential to discourage early sexual activity. She had the sex-positive thinking to boldly reply: "I think it is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught." Just like that, the career of the first black Surgeon General was over. Ouch. She was crucified for suggesting we include masturbation information in sex ed classes, even with the purpose of discouraging early sexual activity.

The staff at the San Francisco based sex toy and education company "Good Vibrations" were outraged and decided to find a way to keep the focus on Ms. Elders' unfair treatment. National Masturbation Month was born! Good Vibrations recognized the need for bringing discussion of masturbation into the mainstream media (much to the horror of the sexually repressed), and providing support, encouragement and information. Huge thumbs up to Good Vibrations.

The first National Masturbation Month was celebrated in May of 1995. Why did Good Vibrations choose May? Reportedly, because of the "merry, merry month of May", long celebrated for sexual awakening...and they couldn't resist the added alliterative bonus.

These days, there are actually Masturbate-A-Thon fundraisers! For exhibitionists, voyeurs and all you dedicated fundraisers...think of participating in a Masturbate-A-Thon in San Francisco, Portland Oregon, Washington DC, London, Copenhagen or Denmark - all in the name of charity, of course.

Here is an absolutely fascinating article of a behind-the-scenes look at the San Francisco event this year. Sometimes I do wish I lived in San Francisco...! I love the way a few porn stars decided to come and support the event. Over $25K has been raised since the inception of Masturbate-a-thon for women's health initiatives and HIV prevention.

My suggestion for next year: A bumper sticker that says: "May is National Masturbation Month. Are you doing your part?"

I know it's July...and sadly, we missed Masturbation Month this year. But consider taking matters into your own hand(s), in honor of Joyce Elders, for the part she played in helping to create a more sex-positive society. She was gutsy. Here is a quote from a 2007 interview:

"You know, masturbation has never gotten anybody pregnant, never made anybody go blind, never caused anybody to have a sexually transmitted disease, never caused anybody to go crazy. And I always say, you know you're having sex with somebody you love."

So pull out your favorite wanking fodder, put on Paula Cole's  "Feelin' Love" and get your groove on. If you don't know the song, go to whatever music connection you use and have a listen...just see if that song doesn't make you just want to....go fuck yourself.

Ruby Ryder

For those who want more (don't...stop...don't...stop!)....

Some hysterical euphemisms for masturbation:

  • Beating Around the Bush
  • Applying Lip Gloss
  • Making Kitty Purr
  • Visiting your Safety Deposit Box
  • Tickling the Dragon's Tail
  • Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
  • Stretching the Limo
  • Self-inflicted Intercourse
  • Massaging Your Purple Headed Warrior
  • Doodling Yourself into Emission
  • Arm Wrestling the Boss

Star Wars Themed

  • Doin' the Han Solo
  • Using the Force
  • Toying with your Death Star

My Personal Favorite

  • Pat Your Robertson (Yes!! This one is as satisfying as the word Santorum - look it up in Wikipedia.)

There are 1700 euphemisms for masturbation at www.worldwidewank.com. I kid you not! There is a "Random Masturbation Synonym Generator" that can provide a good hour of entertainment. I did notice that the number of gender-specific synonyms for male masturbation far, far exceeds the number for female masturbation. That's because you guys are so proud of and fascinated by your lovely equipment...which I think is cute as hell (your equipment and your attitude about it).

↑↑ Last but not least...the logo for the Masturbate-A-Thons ↑↑

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