If you are interested in exploring pegging,
this article is for you.
How does porn ruin pegging? Goodness, let me count the ways...
Porn is Not Reality. First there are the aspects that are common to all porn. Fake bodies are the order of the day. The men usually have huge cocks. Women use muscle relaxers to accommodate insertion of these huge cocks in their anal passages. Unnatural (and uncomfortable) positions are commonly used so that the fake bodies and insertions are more visible for the filming. Kisses turn into weird things with tongues battling each other outside of mouths. When porn ventures into pegging you can add a few other things as well. The women now have huge cocks and the men are the ones taking the muscle relaxers. The men being pegged are verbally abused, beaten, humiliated, dressed in women's clothing and fucked in a manner where it appears to be painful. And there is absolutely zero intimacy.
This depiction of pegging may feed some people's fantasies, but it does nothing to encourage exploration of pegging for most couples. In fact, porn's representation of pegging makes my mission infinitely more difficult.
What's my mission? Simple. To convince as many heterosexual couples as possible to give pegging a try. I want to educate them about the realities of strap-on sex and help them leave behind the twisted circus-type of pegging that porn portrays. I want to tell couples how it can be intimate, luscious, amazing and unbearably sexy for both partners and how pegging deserves to be checked out as a potential addition to every couple's sex life. I realize that strap-on sex will not be on the menu for exploration in every relationship and even when tried, not every couple will decide they want to keep it in their treasure chest of sexual choices. Yet pegging is represented so bizarrely in porn that it is no wonder that many couples have a hard time even considering it.
If everything you have ever seen about pegging involves so many things you want no part of - why would you even try it? I'll tell you why...
Because humiliation, lack of intimacy, verbal abuse, feminization and pain do not have to be a part of pegging!!!
Before I go any further...this article is directed at couples and single people who might describe their sexuality as 'relatively non-kinky' and are interested in gently exploring new sexual territory. These non-kinky people are the ones who are scared away from pegging by porn's portrayal of it. Big time.
I don't believe that porn 'should' be done a certain way. There are indeed people out there who get off on exactly what is portrayed in pegging porn and sometimes even practice it in a manner that is similar to how it is shown. I encourage everyone to do whatever turns your crank sexually in a responsible, consensual manner. I'm just trying to give equal time to people interested in a kinder, gentler experience...an intimate experience.
So, taking a closer look at pegging in porn, here is what we find...
Female Dominance (FemDom) is the order of the day in porn. The kind of female dominance where the women are nasty bitches. They look mean, snarl, yell, hit the man and seem to have no concern for his enjoyment. The men in pegging porn are to be used and abused. What's the reality? There are many types of FemDom, including sensual, loving female dominance, which is largely absent from pegging porn. There is definitely an inherent switch in the usual dominant and submissive roles when you are engaging in pegging. It's unavoidable. Because the woman is now actively running the fuck and the man is allowing penetration. Don't let the power of the words 'dominant' and 'submissive' fuck with your head, though. Pegging can be done in a way that the extent of a man's submission is simply the vulnerability of the penetration. And the extent of the woman's dominance can be just that she must actually figure out how to work the strap-on in a way that is hopefully pleasurable for them both. Women who practice pegging are not all mean, nasty bitches and men who enjoy pegging do not all crave being treated poorly. Know that pegging can be as dominant/submissive as you want it to be, and any way you want it to be. You get to choose.
Feminization is big in pegging porn. Probably because there is indeed a role reversal. The man is penetrated and the woman does the penetrating. But there is no rule that says the man being pegged must wear lingerie, makeup, wigs and high heels. The role reversal can just be the wonder of experiencing the passive as opposed to the active role. A man's masculinity is not affected by pegging! Some very, very masculine men really love pegging, believe me. Feminization is not mandatory. Oh - and if any of you are still holding onto the (old, tired) misconception that men who enjoy pegging are gay - information on that ridiculous notion is here.
Humiliation often plays a big part in pegging porn. No, men do not have to be made fun of and called 'bitches' with their 'man-pussy'. Men do not have to suck the dildo and pretend it's a real cock. And for the sake of everything that is hygienic and safe, men do not have to take the dildo into their mouth after it has been in their ass. (I have to say here that in my opinion that is the single most disgusting thing I have ever seen in pegging porn.) Instead, pegging can be a loving, intimate exchange full of passion, respect, fun and good times. Really. Humiliation is absolutely not an integral part of pegging.
Pain is portrayed a lot in pegging porn. The man's face is shown screwed up with pain while the woman slams into him with an impossibly large dildo. Here's the reality. Pegging done correctly should never hurt....ever! The men in pegging porn have likely taken muscle relaxers to accommodate the huge toys and are acting like it hurts because that is what the directors want. Please undo the automatic connection of pegging with pain in your minds, people. It. Should. Not. Hurt. If enough time is taken to warm the man up and prepare him, it is really a purely pleasurable experience. One that he will probably learn to crave. No pain.
Whipping, spanking, etc. is almost always in pegging porn. It is often a part of the whole FemDom thing. But please understand the reality, once again. To enjoy pegging as a couple, neither of you need ever lift a finger in any way but loving, caressing and tender. Pegging can simply be a slow, sensual and exquisitely lovely fuck. If you are not into spanking, whipping, etc., then don't include it in your pegging experience. It is not mandatory.
No Intimacy can be detected in pegging porn. I am talking none. No tenderness, no connections, no love...it's pretty sad, really. Because there is actually tremendous potential for intimacy with pegging. You are trying something new together. It can be a very sweet and soul-baring kind of experience full of amazing discoveries. Did I mention the man's orgasms that are 10 times more powerful than anything he has ever experienced? Maybe even multiple orgasms? Did I mention women can find a lot of pleasure in pegging, too?
What Pegging Porn Will Never Show You
The role reversal can rock. The physical sensations of the different roles and the emotional aspects that go along with them can be eye-opening and can bring about renewed appreciation for your partner...because you are taking on their usual role. For the men, being penetrated requires being open and vulnerable and not being in control. Men can gain a better understanding of how women experience sex, basically. They can learn first-hand why warm-up and foreplay are important for women before intercourse and how they might not always be in the mood for penetration. For the women, they can learn that fucking requires far more than they ever realized. They get to experience the strength, endurance, stamina, grace and responsibility of running the fuck. There can be a thrill of power, as well. Thrusting into your partner and seeing the ecstasy it brings him can be quite heady.
You can talk with your partner all day long about how sex feels for you but pegging gives you the opportunity to have an experience that approximates trying out sex from the other side. This has the potential to create deep intimacy because it builds understanding and compassion between you and your partner.
For the non-kinky couples who find their way through the minefield of misconceptions and misleading portrayals associated with pegging porn, the rewards are rich indeed. How do I know this? Well...I've been there (smile). But it's not just me. People write me and tell me their stories. They speak glowingly of pegging being just like another way of making love. Their letters describe how much closer they are since exploring pegging and how it totally rejuvenated their sex life. I can feel the thrill behinds their words on the screen. Their ability to walk past the images and stereotypes created by pegging porn and continue to sexually explore together is praiseworthy.
One last thing...if you would like to introduce the concept of pegging to your partner...do not show them pegging porn! After reading this article, I don't think I need to go into the reasons why. Instead, here is an article that can give you some guidance for talking to your partner about it (of either gender). Please read it before you talk with them. You'll be glad you did. And since often it is the men who would love for their woman to be open to pegging, here's some extra reading I recommend - "Her Strap-on Fears".
New - Podcast #112 For the ladies - specifically intended to address her fears/concerns.
Love each other...and Happy Pegging!
©Ruby Ryder
13 Responses
Hi Ruby,
i recently got very interested in pegging:) spoke about it with my gf and she like’s the idea, till now i just have been looking for the right toy, and reading experiences from others.
i think that some mild kind of harassment and spanking should be part of pegging, i think pegging for most couples even the pretty open 1’s will be a rare thing, sure the first or second time, its new, but if you look all man are looking for the double toys because their ultimate kick or goal is the simultaneous penetration.
But all of the toys i read about tell that it doesn’t really work for her.
This orgas’m times 10 he doesn’t get from the pegging but the stimulation of his p-spot which can be done with many handheld toys, so basically if especially “she” doesn’t get turned on from the role exchange, handhold toys will always be a better option.
But i’m still gone try it, because i do get turned on from the idea of role exchange;)
For you!!!
Glad to hear your girlfriend is down with the idea.
Happy Pegging!
Yea the feminization stuff is crass and certainly unnecessary. I want a woman to make love to my butt and not just beat me up. though bit of teasing and spanking won’t harm me 😉
Thanks for your comment, Awe. We all have our things that turn us on…sometimes feminization can be pretty damn hot, IMHO.
Wow! This is an amazing article. It explains my thoughts on pegging to a t. I am having trouble finding a woman into it as all I’ve found so far only want to dominate/humiliate. Thanks!
So glad this resonated with you. Yes, some women who are into pegging are definitely into humiliation and domination. Certainly not all.
Yes I’m the person who when told what was pegging got onto the internet and looked.. I am not into being feminized humiliated or beaten, but as you can guess that’s all I’ve found. I have no other experience with ass play, it was just something you didn’t do. I keep coming back here reading hoping something will click and I won’t have this ill feeling that I’ve changed or this is not for men.
As always thank you for your site.
Questions – those feelings are deeply ingrained from the pressures of societal taboos. As many many men can attest to (you can talk with them on FetLife.com in the pegging groups) pegging did not turn them gay or turn them into a sissy. Perhaps the best part of life begins just past the edge of your comfort zone.
My personal opinion is that mostly the more evolved men will explore pegging, because they can get past the discomfort of exploring something that is not thought of as masculine and acceptable for men to do. I have no illusions that it is an easy line to cross.
I’ve asked my wife to try pegging with me for my 40th birthday. We do watch porn together occasionally, and I’d love to show her a scene or two of an intimate pegging session.
I agree with your article above. All of the porn I’ve seen in this niche is heavy on feminization (not interested), humiliation (also not interested), and dildo sucking (very not interested, and I also don’t get this in any type of porn including lesbian).
I thought it was difficult finding an intimate anal scene where the female is on the receiving end, but I’m finding it just about impossible for the male on the receiving end.
Can you recommend any sites or films or scenes that feature a well-done pegging session where the couple are being intimate and trying to give the man pleasure instead of humiliating him?
I moderate another group on Yahoo Tribes called Pegging 101 – which is specifically a group for people who enjoy pegging without the BDSM elements.
There is a link to the group to the right in my blogroll.
Here is a link to a thread we have going that includes a collection of good BDSM-free pegging clips. Many amateur, some professional. (I try my best to delete the BDSM clips – please tell me if I missed any!)
Thanks, Ruby.
I perused a few of the links, and this is much more in line with what I’d like to experience and something that my wife would also hopefully enjoy. I’ll let you know if this is something that makes her more receptive to the idea of pegging.
I realize this post is nearly 4 years old (!) but I as I continue to explore pegging paradise I uncover such a treasure of great information and discussion.
It’s kind of amazing that even though pegging seems to be “exploding” in internet discussions and tumblrs etc. there is very little pegging depicted as a sensual, hot, fun exploration and experience between couples! I think it would do so much to help eliminate the “shame” factor if couples could enjoy a hot pegging flick with none of the stereotypes you mention here.
I notice that some companies are exploring a new sensual approach to kink play such as mild bdsm through such projects like the Restraint series by New Sensations, but again it shows the woman being the recipient instead of men enjoying the attentions.
Ruby, maybe you need a “kickstarter” or gofundme for a sensual pegging series! I don’t know, it’s pretty amazing that this remains such a mis-represented genre in porn given the information you’ve provided and the great discussions here….
Good points here. Read this on podcast #116!