Slut-Shaming

There's been a lot of discussion lately about "slut-shaming".

There's no doubt that a double standard exists. Men are studs when they are sexually active but women are sluts. Men are virile, awesome and sought after. He's a real "ladies man" -  so he must have somethin' going on if he has that many women in his bed, right?  Sexually active women are sluts, lack discernment and are undesirable (for anything more than sex). She has a lot of men in her bed so she is used, cheap and (in complete contrast to a man) not worth much.

This all makes me wonder...

What's a woman to do who loves sex? What if she wants to have fun with sex, explore it with different partners...a lot?

The double standard rears it's ugly head when you start talking like this. Believe me, it is alive and well. I just read an article about slut shaming. When I scrolled on down to the comment section and checked out the ensuing debate it was frankly awful - and a perfect microcosm reflecting society's fucked up attitudes about sexually active women. One commenter basically says - fine, she can of course do whatever she wants to do and sleep with however many guys she wants to and I might even be one of those guys...but I don't want to marry a woman like that - one who "sleeps around".

Do you see what he did there? Judged her for the same behavior he would be indulging in (by sleeping with her). Other commenters made him cop to judging his potential partners on behavior that he himself was engaging in. In other words - the dude surely "sleeps around". Self-confessed!

Now...let's take a good look at this.

First - it's a completely subjective and personal decision as to what level of sexual activity each person desires for themselves or their potential partner. But judging anyone who doesn't fit your personal preference by assigning a word to them that has negative connotations far and above simple level of sexual activity - that's not right. Granted - there are virtually no positive words to describe a person who is very sexually active. But check the difference here...

Example -
"I wouldn't marry a slut."
Versus -
"I wouldn't marry a woman who has been really sexually active."

(I know - "really" is subjective but for the sake of argument here just go with it.)

There's been a movement to turn the word "slut" into a positive word. Battling against the double standard, women now proudly proclaim themselves a slut and march down the street carrying signs to that effect. They are fighting against the sex-negative shame that society puts on women who embrace their sexuality. They are also fighting to raise awareness that no woman who is a victim of rape is ever blamed.

I'm all for taking on that double standard. I'm all for doing what I can to change the mindset of people who throw sex-negative bullshit at us every day in the media and on the streets. Rape is abhorrent and no victim of rape should ever be blamed as "asking for it".

But back to the word 'slut'...here's what's been simmering in my brain lately.

There are people who are not only really sexually active, they are horrible at being really sexually active. They sleep with multiple partners and lie to them all, promising monogamy. They lie about their future intentions just to get sex. They have unsafe sex with those multiple partners. We've all known people like that. They can be found in both genders. So here's what I think.

Those people are sluts.

What else are you going to call them? To me, the word 'slut' describes those people and their behavior perfectly. I think they deserve the name slut.

So here's the delineation...

Those people I described who are horrible at being very sexually active? They definitely qualify as sluts.

Here are the people who don't...Women who simply enjoy sex. Women who like dressing sexy. Women who have more than one partner at a time, or even more than one partner in a day (come on...everyone who has done that raise your hand! I did it once...). Men who are sexually active in a responsible manner do not deserve to be called sluts, either.

I don't judge people based on their level of sexual activity. I judge them in how they conduct whatever level of sexual activity they have chosen. If they are open, honest and respectful with their partners, whether it's about dating different people at the same time or wanting only sex and nothing more, that rocks - no matter how many partners they have.

I am a woman who writes about, teaches about and really enjoys sex. I have also enjoyed sexual relations with more than one man at a time on occasion (not talking about 3-somes here but I like the way you think). I have absolutely been judged now and again. Thankfully in my part of the world there are more people who cheer me on than people who judge me. More men who love knowing that I fully embrace my sexuality and I'm pretty damn kinky as well.

You people who live in the narrow-minded strait-laced sex-negative hell places...I feel for you. The changes will come to you last. But they will come. Someday sex-negative attitudes will fall away and the overlay of shame will be a thing of the past...and the young people will laugh about it and ask for stories about the time when sex was full of embarrassment and people were actually judged because of something as simple and natural as being sexual.