International Whores' Day 2019
A View into My World…
I check my mail, look at my calendar and think about tomorrow’s appointment. He’s a sweet client who I’ve established a close connection with since he first came to see me almost 2 years ago. His last email said he was looking forward to feeling my hand, my paddle, my cock and even a few strokes of my cane if I felt that was necessary. He comes to me to explore the other side of his sexuality, to revel and play in new, exciting experiences. He enjoys the way I interweave pain and pleasure, with a healthy dose of teasing throughout it all. His work takes him to faraway places. When he travels, he sends me emails of longing, eloquently expressing his desire to once again place himself in my hands.
I pull up my notes. (Yes I keep notes, I’m a professional.) I check which toy I fucked him with during his last visit and how he liked it. I check his preferences regarding firm toys or softer toys, and the intensity which with I used my hand, paddle, cock, and occasionally, cane. I check to make sure everything is clean and ready for his arrival tomorrow.
Yes, he’s married. Yes, he’s reasonably happy in that marriage. And yes, they do have a tacit agreement that he can discretely and safely explore his desires. Coming to see me puts a skip in his step, a smile on his face, and some titillation in his otherwise quite happy and comfortable but lacking in sexual excitement, life.
Next week I have an appointment scheduled with a client who, when I touch him with tenderness and intention, simply melts. His life as a single, successful male in this society offers so little touch. He’s hungry for it when he arrives. I always offer him a long, lingering hug, which he accepts and revels in. When I fuck him, I lay on top of him and let him feel the pressure of my body against his, holding him down, having my way with him. He swoons.
After reading Mark Greene’s work about how men in our society are touch-starved, I began touching my clients a lot more, and they universally welcomed it with a hunger that surprised me. I was also surprised to discover how many of them, when questioned, hungered for contact, despite being partnered. Touch can be so powerfully healing. It comprises a significant part of what I offer these men.
What exactly do I offer these men?
I offer them touch, sure, but I offer them so much more than that. I offer them the chance to explore their desires without judgement or shame. I offer them encouragement, acceptance, and an enthusiastic partner who will delve into their fantasies with them. Often these men have never even expressed their fantasies to another human being before coming to see me. Society says that as a man, they should not desire these things, the very things that they jerk off to, dream about, and long for.
So when I slowly slide a pair of silky panties onto their body, fondling their cock and ass through the smooth fabric and remarking how sexy they look, I often get downcast eyes, blushes and smiles. Embarrassment, yes, but also a smile that speaks wordlessly and loudly of the pleasure of really being seen and accepted for exactly who they are, for the first time in their lives. And when I bend them over and pull those panties down just far enough to fuck them with strong purposeful strokes, or gentle, tender thrusts, they get to let everything go and just receive. They are no longer responsible for anything except taking in all the pleasure I deliver, and allowing themselves to be vulnerable and open. Allowing themselves to be taken in a way they have usually only taken their partners, but have never had the opportunity to experience the other side of.
I’m a Sex Worker.
Yes, you heard me right. Ruby Ryder is a sex worker. I’ll just let that sink in a bit…
Wow. So How Did That Happen?
What made me decide to become a sex worker?
It happened like this. My passion is pegging. I write about it, teach about it, give advice about it and write erotica about it. Turns out this is a very popular fantasy amongst men. Usually not one they will openly admit to, but with the anonymity of the internet, they contact me in droves.
Often they discover that prostate stimulation via their ass can give them more pleasure than they have ever experienced. But there are other reasons men become interested in pegging.
In a way, I think part of their interest is a reaction to the ‘man box’ they have been placed in. Society dictates that men always appear strong, in control, confident and assertive. Appearing weak, not in control, softer and more passive is forbidden, as is anything that appears feminine or homosexual.
I’m not going to even get into how harmful this line of thinking is (the very definition of toxic masculinity). But the man box can have a powerful and terribly limiting effect on men’s sexuality. In general, men are expected to be the givers of pleasure, the active ones, the penetrators, the ones who run the fuck. Imagine feeling that level of responsibility every time you got in bed! What about the times when you just want to be held and tenderly fucked? What about when you want to express your feminine side and wear panties or pretty lingerie and feel softer, or feel ‘taken’ by a strong, lustful partner? What happens when you just want to switch things up once in a while? There is no easy way to explore those longings, no way which is accepted by the majority of our society, anyway. This causes so many men so much shame.
I’ve never seen it as shameful. From the first time I tried pegging about 10 years ago, I have always loved fucking men. (It might have helped that my first experience was with a hot fireman.) I love the way their façade of masculinity comes down and pure vulnerability is underneath, and the contrast between the two. I love giving them pleasure and hearing them moan and whimper. And I definitely love being dominant and in control.
The ending of my second marriage was like coming out of a sexual desert. So when I started fucking men, I made up for lost time and fucked a bunch of them. I reveled in my new-found sexual jungle. There was no lack of men who wanted to get fucked, so I selected the ones that appealed the most. Often the young and pretty.
A friend said to me one day, “You know you are giving yourself away, right?”
“What do you mean?” I honestly wasn’t sure where she was going with that.
“What are you getting out of this, other than a pretty young man in your bed for the night? You are bringing them so much knowledge, skill and finesse! You deserve more.”
“Well, okay, but if I took something for it, I’d be a sex worker.” I had the usual bad connotations connected to those words, and didn’t want to go there.
“Not necessarily. You could be a Domme receiving a ‘tribute’.”
Hmmmm….fine line, I thought, but she had a good point. Why not benefit from something I really enjoyed? Isn’t that what we all wish for; work that we love? And I was kind of giving it away for free. Plus, the choices I’d made in my life to that point had often left me on the line financially. As much as I loved being a sex educator, making a good income at it was extraordinarily difficult. Some kind of compensation for fucking these men would be nice.
So for 3 months I traded a few men a thorough fucking for things like gift certificates for massages or pedicures, and that was good. Then I sat back and asked myself, Why am I not just getting paid for this? I love it. I want to do it anyway. I could use the money. Seemed like a no-brainer, because my work as a sex educator who specializes in pegging had created a line of men to my front door. I didn’t see those men as potential clients, because I wanted to keep my two worlds quite separate, Ruby Ryder and sex worker (guess that ends today...), but it did enlighten me as to just how many men there are who want to get pegged. I also ran across a post in a Pro Domme’s chat group complaining about how there were so many men lately who just wanted to get pegged with a hand job. These men weren’t showing respect for the significant skills these professional women had in bondage, impact play, etc. They were just looking for pegging and release. So okay, that confirmed that the demand was there.
That would be the point where I stepped over the line, quite consciously, and with a lot of forethought. I spoke with men who had been to sex workers for pegging. I found a mentor who was a phone sex operator, and another who was a semi-retired sex worker. I asked a lot of questions and finally decided to go for it.
The universe apparently supported my decision. My very first client was a delightful déjà vu of the very first guy I pegged – another hot fireman. Seriously. When he left, I had a pile of money, a smile on my face, and wet panties. I thought to myself - This is a dream job!
I have not looked back since that day. That was about 4 years ago. For me, that initial knee-jerk reaction to the label ‘sex worker’ is gone. I’m proud of what I do, and have made many friends in the sex worker community.
I think of it this way…We all deserve to have someone to connect with, and we deserve to be able to explore our (safe and consensual) fantasies without judgement or shame. For a whole host of reasons, that can be difficult and complicated for many people. As a sex worker specializing in BDSM and pegging, I make that exploration less filled with complications and judgements and more filled with safety, acceptance and enthusiasm. I have encountered so much gratitude from my clients. They are profoundly grateful for the safe space I offer them to explore new experiences, ones that are way outside of the box of accepted male sexuality.
Why am I Telling You I’m a Sex Worker?
Because so many in the sex worker community are suffering.
I am an incredibly privileged sex worker. I do not have to do this to survive. I do sex work part-time. I have never experienced violence. What I would label a ‘bad experience’ has been limited to personality conflicts, bad hygiene, or no show appointments. When people ask me how I like being a sex worker, this is always what I answer:
“About 60% of the time I love it. I’m having a good time. About 20% of the time it’s more like work, whether it’s a personality conflict, poor communication, hygiene or something like that. And that leaves 20%, right? Those are the clients who, I swear to God, I would SO fuck for free!”
So that’s my situation, and as I mentioned – I have so much privilege, it’s obscene. Unfortunately, I am the type of sex worker people point to when trying to make the case for decriminalization. The white woman who loves her work. There are so many more of us that do not have the privilege I do. And those sex workers deserve to be heard.
People do sex work for a lot of reasons. Some do sex work on a survival level, to put food on the table, pay the rent, and to take care of their families. Sometimes they do it because their physical or emotional health leaves them unable to work a job with a regular schedule. Sometimes they do it due to financial desperation. And, this is important, sometimes they hate their work. Before you judge, remember that there are people in every profession who hate their work. Every profession. If you choose to judge a sex worker who hates their job, why are you not judging the police officer who hates their job? Sex workers deserve to work safely regardless of how much they love or hate their job.
What Do Sex Workers Want and Need?
What we want is the right to choose our own labor and the right to choose what we do with our bodies. Consensual sex work is a victim-less crime. Take care not to label all sex workers as ‘victims’. We are decidedly not. Most consensual sex workers simply want the right to choose our labor as well as the protections that other workers enjoy. Instead of protection, we get persecution and prosecution.
What we need is for you to listen to our stories before you try to save us or assume we are victims. Listen to our stories before deciding what you think we need! Listen to us before passing laws that affect us without even talking with us. If most people in the community you’re supposed to be helping loudly oppose the actions you’re proposing to “save” them, you need to take a step back, listen to them and find a better way.
The marginalized in our community have suffered immeasurably (violence and death) after the passage of SESTA/FOSTA. So when presidential candidate Kamala Harris holds up the passage of SESTA/FOSTA as one of her crowning achievements, I want you to understand what really happened.
Prior to SESTA/FOSTA, sex workers used the internet to vet new clients, which provided not only more safety, but an independence from pimps and exploiters. This law took away our ability to use the internet, and all the platforms we used to vet clients and share safety information disappeared practically overnight. This forced many sex workers back to the streets, and empowered pimps and exploiters, the very people it was supposed to target.
No one who is being honest can point to that law and call it a success.
How Did This Happen?
In a supposed attempt to cut down on (already fairly minimal) sex trafficking, the definition of sex trafficking was ridiculously widened, pretty much including all consensual sex work. This inflated the numbers. (i.e. A friend who drives a consensual sex worker to an outcall for safety was now labeled a sex trafficker). The inflated numbers made it sound like around every corner there were poor children being sex trafficked, so of course both houses passed the bill, even though our very own Department of Justice advised against it. These inflated numbers were and are being used to justify federal grants to law enforcement agencies and NGOs who combat sex trafficking. Consensual sex work is not sex trafficking and never has been.
All we want is the right to choose our own labor, and the same protections as other workers have. Sex work is work! All consensual sex workers are against sex trafficking, and we ask that you take care to make a distinction between the two. They are not the same! If all the money given to agencies to fight sex trafficking had been used in a focused manner to ferret out sex trafficking, instead of a huge dragnet that included all consensual sex work as well, so many more sex trafficking victims could have been saved. Also, more sex traffickers could have been prosecuted, and sex workers could do their jobs without fearing violence and death.
One More Reason That I am Telling You I am a Sex Worker
Discriminatory feelings against and assumptions about groups of people can be remedied by getting to know them. Personalizing it. What do I mean by that? Let’s say I really didn’t like white cats. But then I go to a friend’s house who has 3 white cats and I get to know them. I discover, through personal interaction, that they are perfectly lovely cats, and apparently my assumptions about white cats were incorrect.
This is what I have done as Ruby Ryder. The taboo against pegging is strong. The misconceptions and assumptions are numerous. On my podcasts I share the stories my listeners send in, and allow you a glimpse of their lives and loves. You hear about their struggles and successes, their hopes and dreams, and somewhere along the line you realize they are just people. Perhaps you can even relate to their stories a little. Suddenly the whole knee-jerk judgmental reaction against people who do pegging lessens.
So here I am, the same Ruby Ryder that encourages you to follow your desires, talk to your partners, be loving and compassionate, kind and considerate. I fight against the shame, the ridicule, and the taboo. I offer education and information. Above all, I stand up for your right to be who you are, sexually, with #noshame.
And I, Ruby Ryder, am a sex worker.
Sex workers are people. We have our struggles and successes, too. And when you listen to our stories, I imagine you will judge us less; that knee-jerk reaction will not be so automatic. Perhaps you’ll begin to see us as people, and realize we deserve the right to choose our labor, and the right over our own bodies. And when the subject of decriminalization comes up, maybe you’ll think of Ruby Ryder, but hopefully instead you will think about the marginalized sex workers who need your help far more than I ever will. For them, it is truly a matter of life and death.