What the Hell is Happening, Ruby?

What the hell is happening, indeed! I wish I could give you a precise answer. Let me do the best I can. Rambling, introspective share to follow...

So it's early June. Masturbation May 2021 just happened. I started off pretty well in May. I wrote some erotica, and then went on vacation for a few days with my sweet boy for a much needed getaway. During that trip, I was pampered, cooked for, massaged, and served. My delicious boy and I played, cuddled, ate good food, and talked. He is a delight in my world, and I very much enjoy our time together.

The Wall

When I returned, about halfway through May, I hit a productivity wall. While I was getting some cleaning, sorting, and rearranging done around the house, sitting down and recording a podcast felt too difficult. Writing something of substance felt like the words simply wouldn't come out of my head. So the last half of May was remarkably unproductive, other than some social media and my consistent webinars. (I have continued to rock those since early last year, and they show few signs of slowing down.)

I noticed that I started to isolate a bit, too. My responses to people weren't timely, whether it was emails, texts, or calls. What the hell? Sometimes I struggle with timely responses because I'm just doing so much. This was different, because I really wasn't doing much work. Sure, I was keeping myself occupied with a wide variety of temporary gratification behaviors, and I recognized them as such. But the wall holds power and I have not deciphered the key to the wall yet. I have not figured out what will make the wall disappear, how to tear it down, or perhaps how to have a conversation with it and persuade it to vamoose. Pinpointing a cause feels confusing. Nothing stands out as a clear catalyst.

The Causes of the Wall

The more I think about it, there could be a number of factors involved in my wall. The pandemic happened, with all of its accompanying stresses. And now, finding my way post-pandemic feels complicated. New situations are happening, ones that I'm having feelings about. How do I feel about the people who continued to meet, play, take risks, and eschew the rules? What kind of relationship, if any, do I want to have with them going forward? I'm not sure. Considerations and thoughts of this sort feel like background noise that adds to the confusion about my wall, though. They don't feel like the central issue.

Look Into the Mirror

Here's one of my introspective realizations, though. I believe that the universe offers up things to help me learn my lessons. Here's how it works for me. The things that bother me the most about other people are often a mirror for me to more accurately see parts of myself that I either don't really want to take a look at, or simply aren't aware of.

Yeah, well... brain flash. Lately I have endeavored to find a new cleaning person, as well as an assistant. I need both. I went through one of each. the cleaning person was unreliable, kept canceling, and ultimately did not respond. My assistant dropped the ball and just didn't do the work. What the hell?

So hey, that sounds familiar, right? You patrons decide to support my work, and expect I will continue that work. Rightly so! But hey, I put out podcasts and erotica inconsistently and unreliably. What the hell? I am not reliable or consistent, just like my cleaning person was not. I have also dropped the ball, like my assistant! Fascinating.

Seeing Myself

Mirrors can be eye-opening, and full of uncomfortable truths. Yet self-reflection is healthy, and personal growth is my goal. Lessons can be found in many places. I need to look at these things if I am to smooth out my path and find a way through, over, or around this wall.

With this awareness, guilt arrives to add to the fuckery. So I feel less confident of my path, which gives me even less certainty to create. This space is awkward as hell to be in, but here's what occurred to me. Until I figure this out, the podcasts aren't happening, and neither is the erotica. Because of this fucking wall. So write about the wall, then! Write about the journey!

The Reality of Being in This Place

How does it feel to be here? Uncomfortable. Sure, the wall supports my weight, but not much is getting done. Meanwhile, people are waiting. People have expectations, and have every reason to expect me to keep putting stuff out into the world. Not only because that's the structure I've built, and what people know, but because they support my efforts as patrons and were promised this.

Meanwhile, I still lean uncomfortably against the wall. Not my first lean, and likely won't be my last. But whether these periods of non-productivity arise from the lack of focus of a creative mind, deeper issues that want to come out and be worked through, an inadequate support system, or a flawed structure of required creativity that doesn't match my needs well enough, I aim to find out.

Therapy

So what to do? I am a big fan of therapy, actually. Normally I am a very introspective person, and can figure out a lot of my own stuff. But sometimes, the solution or cause eludes me, and I just feel confusion. That's my cue to dive in with a therapist.

So I thought back to my last fruitless search for a therapist and decided to give it another try. My difficulty in finding a therapist before had mainly to do with all the hats I wear, many of them unusual, and some quite misunderstood. Where could I find a not too terribly expensive therapist who was reasonably enough acquainted with alternative sexual activities like pegging and BDSM, along with my alternative relationship choice of non-monogamy, and sex work?

Here's the good news. Since my last search, there is actually a list of therapists who work with sex workers, so I started there. After a few attempts to connect, I found one that feels like a good fit, and have scheduled an online session. Movement in the right direction, yes!! And at least I am here, putting words together, telling my story, and talking about the wall, because that's what's real.

What else is real that's been happening while I dance with my wall?

Adult Sex Education Month

June is Adult Sex Education month! I don't know who starts these commemorative days or months, or even how they start them, but I am grateful. Because when people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them I am a sex educator. Then I feel compelled to mention I teach adults, not teenagers. Most people are a little confused, because the idea of sex education being needed for adults is a bit of a foreign concept for them. What the hell? When you enjoy something, wouldn't you like to educate yourself and learn all about it?

International Whores' Day

Here's another thing that is very real. International Whore's Day, celebrated on June 2nd of every year, This day marks the first time, in 1975, that over 100 sex workers came together to forward sex workers' rights in Lyon, France. This is also the day I came out as a sex worker in 2019. My sex worker birthday is November 7th of 2014, so this November will be 7 years doing sex work.

More and more people in my life know about the sex work because I am not very good at keeping secrets, and I surround myself with people who accept me for exactly who I am. I am proud of doing sex work, and announce it on pretty much every webinar. I enjoy it. When I stop enjoying it, I will stop doing it, though I acknowledge that whether or not you enjoy your work is not a valid measure of whether you have the right to choose your own labor. Some sex workers hate their jobs, but so do lots of people. I am quite privileged in that I do not have to do sex work to survive, and I enjoy it about 80% of the time.

Pride Month

All too real... As a country, pride is such an important celebration while we transition from a leadership of xenophobia, othering, and discrimination into a more humane and inclusive leadership. The last 4 years have been difficult and even terrifying for those who don't fit into the restrictive boxes that deny individuality and choice, and the fight for equality is far from over. I have experienced just a taste of discrimination with my sex work, but nowhere near what LGBTQ+ folx deal with on a daily basis. FFS - even their right to use the bathroom of their choice was attacked. I am an ally, and fight discrimination and othering wherever I see it.

Mental Health Awareness Month

May was Mental Health Awareness Month. Many of the people around you struggle, in different ways, for different reasons, and sometimes for no reason at all. Be aware that people may not have the same number of spoons that you do, that they may find it overwhelming just to get through every day. Have compassion. Be generous with your understanding, even if you cannot relate. Be kind.

My Self Care

Self care is critically important. For the first time in my life independent of a partner, I have the resources to do some serious self care. Surrounding myself with the support I need is important all the time, but even more important when facing a wall.

• I did indeed find a house cleaner, and my house has never been this clean! I feel happy, walking around my place. There is a sense of expansiveness and clarity. I've never paid this much for a clean home, but it's worth it to me. Feels like the cleanliness makes room for other more important things.

• I have an assistant, kind of. My daughter worked for me for a few hours and impressed me with her efficiency, attention to detail, and accuracy. I hold a strong mother/daughter boundary, so all of the tasks I would have given an assistant are not suitable because of our relationship, but even the bit of work she did felt so helpful.
• I've scheduled a massage for myself next week, and will revel in some deep tissue work. Long overdue.
• I resumed working with my personal trainer at the gym. Strength, flexibility and endurance are becoming part of my life once again.

I Will Get There

This is my promise to you. I will move past the guilt, embrace my lessons, and get back on my path. My dedication to uncovering and resolving the issues that have given rise to my wall is fierce, strong and persistent. Because this is what I truly love, this sex educator thing. Every day I feel blessed to help as many people as I do. Every day I'm happy to offer help to those who seek it. And I will continue on this path just as soon as I am able. Until then, thank you for your patience and understanding. It helps more than you know.