She Says No Toys


So...recently came across a posting by a guy in the reddit/pegging forum. He was very sad.

He said his partner pretty much 100% refused his request for pegging and anal play. She also is not open to him wearing a butt plug during intercourse. She also is not open to him using sex toys on his own.


Full stop.

I know I exist in a pretty rarefied world where most of the people that surround me are sex-positive and accepting of a wide range of consensual sexual acts. A very wide range, actually.


Since when do partners get to decide how you masturbate??!!

Okay, some really insecure people freak out about any kind of masturbation and think that they should be enough for their partner so no masturbation is needed.


Leaving those (incredibly naive and ill-informed) people aside...


There is the issue of gender bias when it comes to sex toys. Women who use sex toys are seen as sexually evolved and awesome. Men who use sex toys are seen as pitiful and unable to get a date. So I know we are battling against this bias in a situation like this.

Also there is the sexual orientation misconception, she thinks if he plays with his ass he might be gay.

One more thing is that if he plays with his ass she might see him as less manly. In fact this is one of the reasons she gave when refusing him anal exploration play. This is what I have been talking about for the last 3 freaking podcasts. Right? The conflation of vulnerability (necessary for anal play) and weakness (not necessary for anal play). The idea that if a man is penetrated that he is somehow less of a man.

I don't have any brilliant answers, here. I suppose I just wanted to rant.

Masturbation is self-love. It is sacred time spent enjoying and learning about your own body. No one has any right to tell you how you should masturbate. How you choose to please your own body is up to you and only you. And the better you know what pleases you, the better lover you will be with a partner.

Which is what I would love for this man to tell his partner.

Claim your sexual autonomy, people.

When you have your alone time, lock that bedroom door and explore your body is whatever way thrills you the most. Music, candles, toys, porn, whatever.

It's your body!!! 


6 Responses

  1. Amen.

    Another benefit lost in the situation you describe is the potential for the lady to find out just exactly how her man likes to be sexually pleasured in ways that she might not currently know he enjoys.

    What fun it could be to find that out! What future fun it could portend because new kinds of erotic play would be added to the sexual repertoire!

    Alas, how sad to miss the chance . . .


  2. About a year ago, a counselor I was seeing said pretty much the same thing. “Some people think sex and masturbation can only consist of using certain body parts. You use your whole body, which can be much more pleasurable.” She went on to suggest I give myself a break from being hard on myself for stepping outside the box, and just enjoy the ride. She moved away and I haven’t spoken to her since that session, but she did so much more for me with those few sentences than I think even she expected.

    I grew up religious and always felt guilty after extramarital sex or masturbation. Anal masturbation, fingering, etc made me feel even worse afterwards, even though I loved it and craved it. Now, I literally feel no guilt. I savor every moment and every sensation when I’m playing with my ass. I’ve even had orgasms back there, my whole body quivering at times. I did much more research on safe toys and methods, and a few months later I asked my wife to peg me. She’s not all that crazy about it, but she tries. I feel much better about my sexuality since I stepped out of that box. Now if I can just find a way ejaculate hands free from prostate stimulation.

    1. Thanks for adding this to the conversation, nick. If you have not already found it – I recorded a podcast specifically for the women. Since your lady is already pegging you, it might not be something for her, but it could increase her enthusiasm. Give it a listen if you like!

  3. This makes me sad. I would say to this Guy that all is not lost. My wife was very anti toys when we first got married and I suspect that this had a lot to do with her religious upbringing (To a catholic masturbation is a sin).
    I managed to convince her to watch some porn with me and I made sure that there was a good mix of couples and solo play – both men and women. She watched a few where the man used a vibrator on the partner and after a while her “No way” attitude softened. I bought her her first vibe a few years later and after a little hesitance she really got to like it then love it. we left it there for another few years with just the one toy.
    In the UK Durex started selling bullet vibes in the supermarkets at low prices so i bought her one. That was the start of something wonderful. we now have a well stocked toy box and recently we’ve bought some for me as well. She has gone from being anti toy to pro toy for the both of us. It takes time. He shouldn’t give up but be patient. It’s worth it.
    Anyway fast forward 10 years and i did get my SO to love toys, love playing, love some light BDSM. Just takes love and patience.

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