Christmas Melancholy

love is complicated
love is complicated

I feel it coming, and I hate it. I squirm and tap my fingers and check my mail too often. Poignantly and perversely, the mail I do get has increased importance, in direct proportion to my need.

The need to be with someone. The desire to have a partner. The longing to share warm, cozy times with my man, like all the commercials portray. Like the couples I see walking down Main Street hand in hand, smiling with the joy of the season. There is so much love happening. Or at least it looks that way. Probably the same amount of love as always, it's just more in my face, like an unwanted missionary at my door.

I know that despite how happy a couple looks in that picture-perfect holiday scene, they are real people. There is strife where none appears to be. We've all heard the nightmare holiday get-together stories. No matter how clearly I see through the illusion, though, I still get sucked in. The beckoning of the fairy tale is strong. At that point, melancholy makes its entrance, soon followed by loneliness and longing, who wrap me in their sad embrace.

I deal. I run luxurious hot baths, eat great food and spend my time doing what I enjoy most. The only part of me that suffers is my heart. I tell myself the things I know are true. That it is far, far better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. That love will either happen or it won't, but I can still choose to be happy. And that I do indeed have the love of so many friends and family. All this helps to temper the melancholy a bit.

The end of the year is my time of reflection, when I take stock of where I am versus where I want to be. More importantly, I make plans about how I will get from where I am, to where I want to be.

The first and most obvious discrepancy between those two places is my relationship status. 2015 is right around the corner and here I am, still single. But making plans on how to change one's relationship status is an endeavor that has thwarted the brightest among us. You can't plan for love. You can't just make it happen because you want it.

If I could, I would make an outline and set up a schedule that would guarantee me what I most long for. A cozy, love-filled Christmas spent mostly in bed, with a man who wakes me up with a kiss, a long slow fuck, then brings us coffee, bacon and juice to share. The entire day would be ours, luxuriating in each other's company. Playing, talking, laughing, napping, fucking, cooking, eating and just being together.

So...Hey, Santa? After you're done with your gallivanting all over the world, what I'd really like for Christmas next year is that guy, the one I just described. I'm putting in my request early. And I have some questions for you.

Do I have to sit on your lap to get him?

Exactly how good do I have to be?

And, finally...precisely what is your definition of 'good'?

Because we could always try you sitting on my lap for a change. That might be interesting.


18 Responses

  1. Hello Ruby, 🙂 I’m wishing you great abundance in finding compatible men to date. Here’s the good things I see about where you are at. You are very clear about what you want and need, and what doesn’t work for you. This is excellent!

    I wonder if perhaps you need to break out of the stereotypical woman role in this society of waiting for men to come to you? There is nothing wrong with a woman asking for a date. Have you reached out to men in your local area that you find interesting? Have you tried joining social groups in your area such that you get exposed to and meet more men? is a excellent way to meet more people via doing activities together.

    I hope you can find a nice compatible man to be with.

    1. Heliostat,
      I ask men for dates fairly often, but in my travels, I have found that though I can get most men who I want, it is the man who wants ME who will stay beyond the physical thrill of coupling and into the day-to-day world of laundry and taking out the garbage.

      Meetup is great, yes. There is a Sex-Positive group I am very involved with through Meetups.

      Thanks for your sweet wishes!

      1. Ah forgive me Ruby, you’ve got your shit together. I totally understand and should not have been looking to “fix” your problems. Although please understand that my intention was good and to help. Yes, that is the problem of someone that wants you for you, and not just your strap on dildos to be pegged. Keep at it, create your intention of what you want in your life and stick to it with good boundaries. 🙂

  2. I’m in that bad relationship, living together and miserable. So yes it is better to be single. I too crave spooning and being spooned. smelling her… everywhere….

    2015 is going to be a good year… I feel it. Hang in there Ruby.

  3. As you have high standards for your potential man, I have the same kind of standards for my potential woman. Positivity and good thoughts to both of us in the new year! 🙂

  4. One thing I learnt that nothing ever turns out the way it supposed to in your head. I got a partner, but then Christmas became all about visiting his relatives, buying them gifts, cooking and having arguments with his family. Then I thought christmas with our kid would be fun. No way. It’s all about “when am I getting my gifts?” for a month. Plus we are all always sick with sever cold all december. My high point of the christmas celebration is when I could get away from the family and listen to Dan Savage. His live show this year: so great!!!

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